


Essex Dogs

by yellowblur



Category: Blur
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Use, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2018-12-23 10:35:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 38,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11988042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellowblur/pseuds/yellowblur
Summary: Nothing is ever enough for you...Tour, separation, loneliness, and addiction test three friends to their limits. Highly influenced by Damon and Graham's protective relationship, their addictions, and the lyrics from Essex Dogs and Beetlebum.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I just wanted to preface this fic quickly. It's not strictly Gramon and the first chapter is a lot of plot set up but I promise it's an exciting story. Thanks for reading!

_Thud - Click - Click_

 

Stella’s dorm room door closed behind her parents.They were finally gone after five and a half hours of moving in, chit chat, and goodbyes. She didn’t get why it was such a big fuss. Her house was only one hour East of Goldsmith’s and she’d be home soon enough. Nonetheless, they’d drawn their goodbyes out until finally, they were gone. 

After a moment passed, Stella’s roommate Viv spoke. 

“Got any plans tonight?” She straightened a box next to her desk, peering up at Stella. 

“Not yet do you?” she asked with a grin. Viv laughed with a mischievous look on her red lips.

“My friend from school Paul goes here. He’s a year above us. Told me he’s having people over at his. Not just freshman either. All years.” Viv’s voice went up an octave as she added the last sentence. A contagious smile rested on her face. Stella noticed how pretty Viv was and felt a brief pang of jealousy.

“You going?” she asked. 

“ Yeah, we are. ”

“We?” Viv laughed and jumped onto her bed which was cluttered with French books. 

“I mean, do you fancy it?” Her feet dangled off the bed, grazing the floor. Viv was one of the most attractive girls Stella had ever seen. Her short dark hair hung straight down, almost covering her right eye. She was thin, tall, and stunning and again Stella felt self-conscious just sitting across from her. Still though, she didn't have friends at Goldsmith’s yet and decided to bite the bullet. 

“I’m in,” she said. Viv squealed and ran across the small dorm, jumping onto Stella and smothering her in a hug. 

“You won’t regret it. ”

 

-

 

It wasn’t really _that_ bad. Stella looked at herself in the mirror. Loose faded jeans, a navy and red striped sweater, and white Nikes. It was what she was comfortable in. Viv on the other had slipped into a tight black t-shirt with black jeans and hadn’t even thought twice. Her confidence was something one could only dream of attaining.

“Can I wear that sweater sometime?” Viv looked over at Stella, smiling. She noticed her roommate's uneasiness. “Stell you look good,” she reassured her when she saw the other girl eyeing her. Stella nodded. 

“OK let’s just go before I change again.” Viv kissed her cheek and grabbed her hand, pulling her through the doorway and down the stairs leading outside. 

 

-

 

As the two girls approached the square of flats, Stella fished a pack of cigarettes from her pocket and litup. 

“Wah wuh?” she offered with a cig hanging from her lips. Viv took one from the packet and held it up for Stella to light. They walked towards the square of flats in a cloud of foggy smoke, giggling. 

“I never really smoke,” Viv said, shooting a grin towards Stella.  “Or my mom doesn’t really let me.” She brushed her hair to the side, laughing. 

“Here I was thinking you were all cool,” Stella said as they stopped in front of the doorway. Music played from inside. _Don’t You Want Me_ by The Human League. Viv let the cigarette fall to the pavement and dragged it out slowly with the toe of her shoe. 

“I _am_ cool.” She winked and took the cigarette from Stella’s grip, stamping her’s out as well.  “I’m nervous are you?” Her dark eyes looked childlike under the light of the porch. 

“No. I don’t know anyone. It’ll be fun,” Stella repeated the phrase her roommate had been exclaiming for the past three hours. Viv’s smile returned. 

“You’re right.” She brushed her hair from her face and pushed the door open. 

As if he were waiting for the door to open, a short blonde figure swooped towards the girls. Stella surveyed the room as what Viv introduced as Paul talked about his schedule for the term. Rather loudly at that. The flat was nothing special, definitely what you would expect a college flat to look like. Only a lot messier. The walls were brick with the largest wall covered in posters and drawings. Paul was a fine arts student and seemed to treat the walls as his personal gallery. 

Girls and boys of various years and studies crowded the kitchen and even more trailed out the back door into the courtyard. Stella wished Paul would stop talking for at least one second. His strong Liverpudlian accent hit her ears like a drum. 

“Yeah yeah. Paul this is my roommate Stella,” Viv broke his speech and pulled her closer. 

“Hi,” she said faintly, a hand caressing the stale air. 

“Hiya, Stella.” Paul grinned at her for a moment before looking behind him.  “Oi you two, come in more. I want ya to meet my mates.” He motioned for them to follow him, making his way towards the back door quickly. Without missing a beat, Viv took hold of Stella’s hand and guided her through the crowd of students. 

The biting cold air greeted them again as it had nearly twenty minutes ago when they had left their dormitory all the way across campus. Stella’s hair blew back with the wind and instantly she felt nerves rush to the pit of her stomach. The courtyard was lit dimly by a few lamps and scattered candles on tables near the bushes of the garden. The students lounged on couches that had seemingly been brought to the party from the surrounding flats. A tall and lanky boy stretched out on a green corduroy sofa. He lifted his fingers that pinched the end of a blunt to his lips and took a short drag before exhaling the smoke towards the girl under his shins at the other end of the sofa. He looked almost identical to Viv with long curtains of black hair draping over his eyes. 

“Stell!” Viv called from the couch adjacent to the lanky boy, motioning viciously with her hands for her to join her. She hadn’t noticed exactly when Viv had let go of her hand and quickly made a beeline towards her friend. Just as she was about to sit down, Paul took the spot and threw an arm around Viv. 

“Mate can’t you see she was about to sit there?” The lanky boy motioned to Stella and took another drag of the blunt. 

“Paul, take a hint.” The girl under his shins threw a beer can at him playfully. Viv pushed his arm off her slowly, her face flooded with embarrassment. Looking up at Stella, the short boy’s eyes took her in again and then laughed.  “Sorry bout that, darlin.” He got up and plopped down next to another boy named Damien. Viv pulled Stella towards her, laughing.

“Sorry.” Stella shook her head. 

“ No worries. ”

“Any fuckin way,” Paul sighed as he looked at the group of students crowded around on the sofas.  “Guys this is Viv and her roommate Stella.” Under the eyes of the very interesting-looking students, Stella felt her heart beat a bit faster. The girl under the dark haired boy’s legs smiled at her. 

“Stella is it?” Stella nodded and noticed her eyes rimmed with liner. They were warm as they traveled down her body.  “Hey you’ve got the same sweater as Graham. Alex, look.” She hit the boy’s legs and laughed when he dropped the blunt in the grass. The dark haired boy looked at her again, his brown eyes now visible. 

“Oi, Gra. You’ve got a lookalike.” Stella looked around for a moment and finally found the matching sweater peeking out from behind a pair of legs folded in front of it. She wouldn’t have noticed the boy sitting there if she hadn’t looked for him purposefully. His legs protected his chest, covered in dark cargo trousers and plenty of white paint. Balancing on the edge of the sofa were his feet. He wore very faded and worn Vans and for a second, Stella thought she saw the sole come away from the shoe. She looked at his face last and thank god it was last. If she had looked at it right away, she’d have been blushing for everyone to see. His brown hair fell neatly in a boyish crop and around his neck, a loose beaded necklace of all colors. 

“Ah yeah.” His eyes landed on Stella’s chest, eyeing her clothing with a shy look. She laughed shortly and admired the soft voice that fell from his mouth. The legs of his sofa were sunken into the mud although he didn’t look all that heavy. Stella felt a bead of sweat roll down her back. It wasn’t from him. It couldn’t be from him. She looked at him one more time and watched as he twisted short sections of hair between his fingers, pausing to scratch his head and purse his lips. The boy made her feel uneasy and nervous like she wasn’t cool enough to talk to someone like him much less be in his presence. 

“She wears it better though.” Alex interrupted her inner dialogue once again flashing her a bright smile. She liked Alex already. He seemed harmless enough. 

“Anyone would wear it better than me.” Graham said quietly although still loud enough for everyone to hear. Stella looked to Viv and caught her staring, no not staring, gazing at Alex who was now sat upright and lighting up a cigarette. 

“Well hi Viv and Stella. How do you know Paul?” He blew the smoke upwards along with the hair covering his eyes. Viv perked up. 

“Paul and I were friends back in school. And Stella’s just my roommate.” Stella frowned and glanced over at Graham who was grinning to himself. 

“ Just a roommate? You’re not friends? ”

“No that came out wrong. We are friends. We are.” Viv looked at Stella and shook her head in embarrassment mouthing the word sorry.

“Well Stella the roommate, I’m naming you Ell from now on. And you can be my friend.” Ell smiled at Alex who wore almost all black except for the little blue pin on his chest that read _Merde._

“Jesus, Alex be more obvious would you?” Graham’s soft voice piped up from the corner sofa. 

“ Oh fuck off, Gra. Come join the party anyway. Why’re you sat so far from everyone? ”

“ I like this sofa. ”

“I like this sofa.” Alex mocked his friend as he stood up and pulled the sofa through the wet earth. The girl with the eyeliner scoffed.  “Alex come on. Let him sit there if he wants.” But it was too late. He’d already positioned Graham’s sofa between his and another with the cheeriest of smiles on his face the whole time. 

“You’re fucking weird you know that?” Graham’s tone rested between playful and annoyed. His eyes darted across everyone and again he pulled his legs up to his chest, chewing on his thumbnail. 

“Donne moi un bisou, aime.” The French rolled of Alex’s tongue sloppily. Graham chuckled. 

“You speak French?” Viv sat at the edge of the sofa, eager to speak to Alex again. He grabbed her hand, kissing it. 

“Oui.” Paul and the eyeliner girl scoffed loudly.  “Fucking gross.”

“Sam you’re just mad I don’t use my French on you. I know you love it.” Alex sat back down and kissed her cheek. 

“I study it.” Viv smiled at him, leaning forward to grab a beer. 

“Maybe we’ll have a class together.” His voice was almost beautiful, like a gazelle. Ell looked to Graham again who was now looking at Alex with an almost frightened look. It took only a moment for him to snap his eyes towards her and make a face acknowledging his disgust with the amount of flirting going on. Ell laughed under her breath and rolled her eyes. 

“Spin the bottle?” Paul interjected and placed an empty bottle on the table in front of them all. Sam groaned. 

“What are we, twelve?” She took the bottle and threw it into the garden.  “I’d rather die, Paul.” Both Alex and Graham laughed. Ell grinned at Viv who looked more relaxed than before. Sitting in a cold, rainy garden with a bunch of art students wasn't as depressing at Ell thought it would be. Sure Paul’s flat wasn’t the cleanest and sure it was a bit miserable sitting on damp couches. But to Ell, it was perfect. She’d dreamt of going to Goldsmith’s since last year and she was finally here. The people were perfect. The jokes were perfect. The clothes were perfect. And so far, she had made a couple of friends just by going out with Viv. A stupid grin crept onto her face. 

“Thanks for bringing me,” she whispered into Viv’s ear. She turned and winked at Ell. 

“Course.” They shared a smile and Ell felt happy. Viv grabbed her hand and squeezed it tightly, something she’d been doing the entire day. The group of them sat around on the sofas for three more hours. Damien, who had barely spoken at all, left early with the girl sitting between him and Graham. Their absence left a huge gap between Ell and him, also making it harder to take brief glances in his direction without being blatantly obvious.

Viv, Alex, and Sam talked French films for a while as Paul attempted small talk with Ell. All the while, Graham laughed as Paul continued his barrage of horrible jokes. 

A loud thud and yell came from inside the flat. 

“Ah fuck not again.” Paul hopped over the couch and dashed across the garden into the house. Ell sighed deeply and rested her head back on the sofa. 

“Why didn’t you stop him?” They all laughed evilly.

“ Ell, if you can’t tolerate his awful jokes, you’ll never stick around. ”

“At least we know you’ll stick with us now.” Sam interrupted with a warm grin. Viv squeezed her hand again. 

“Sorry, Ell.” She paused.  “I’m just fucking glad it wasn’t me.” Alex burst out into a laugh. 

“ It was earlier! ”

“Yeah and you see how fast I stopped it. Ell’s just too nice.” Ell shook her head and laid back onto the sofa, a cigarette pinched between her fingers. 

“I thought it was highly entertaining.” Graham smirked at her from his sofa, a look she’d come to know over the course of the night. 

“Oh I could tell, Graham.” Saying his name aloud felt like a thousand stomach aches at once. But it was worth it. His face brightened when she did. Just in time to save her from embarrassment, Alex interrupted. 

“ I think he likes you, Ell. ” 

“Paul likes everyone.” Graham interjected with a somewhat upset expression. 

“I don’t want him to like me.” She looked desperately at Alex.  “Please tell him to go for someone else. You saw how quickly he went from Viv to me.”

“That’s the thing. Paul will take anyone who’ll have him. You just have to stop being so nice.” Alex said with a grin and popped the cigarette back into his mouth, letting it hang from his lips delicately. Graham gave Ell a nod. 

“I’ll tell him, Ell.” Her stomach rolled when she heard her name come from his mouth. It sounded even better than she anticipated and again she felt heat creep back into her cheeks, lighting her face on fire. It was incredible to her how someone so new, so intriguingly shy could have her attention by just uttering her name. 

“Thanks.” Was all she managed to reply to Graham who had sunk back into his sofa, his legs stretched over the end like a cat. He was surprisingly lanky. Viv poked Ell’s leg. 

“ Fancy heading back? I’ve got French early tomorrow. ”

“ With Carlton? ”

“ Yeah! Don’t tell me you’ve got him as well. ”

“Tomorrow at half past nine.” Viv giggled to herself.  “I’ll see you tomorrow then.” Ell looked at Graham who was already looking at her, waiting for her reaction. She laughed shortly, playing it off as a cough. 

“Bye Viv.” Graham said to break the silence.  “Bye Graham. Nice meeting you.”

“Yeah. I’m sure we’ll see more of you around.” He looked to Alex and back and then down to his fingernails, biting at them like a child. Viv nodded with a bright smile, picking up the can of beer on the grass.

“No worries, we’ll get it.” Alex took the can from her grip before she could protest. Sam had already stood up and said a broad goodbye to everyone, making her way towards the side of the house. Ell yawned and stood up, straightening her sweater and glancing towards Graham who was now also standing. His hair stuck out in all directions in a crazy fight against itself. The hollow pits of his eyes were sunken in from lack of sleep and anxiety. His arms hung long beside him as if he didn’t know what to do with them other than cross them in front of his chest or raise them to bite at his already raw nail beds. Ell stood just a few meters from him yet was still able to feel the heat coming from his body. It was something electric. She shifted her weight to her right leg and waited for Viv.

“Night Ell.” Alex said when he noticed her patiently waiting beside Viv. 

“Night. It was great meeting you guys.” She looked over at Graham who smiled shyly and nodded. 

“We’ll see you around.” His voice sounded tired and soft, longing for sleep. Ell nodded in agreement and moved to shake his hand although she instantly regretted it when she saw his face fall to surprise. He gripped hers and grinned as he shook. 

“Proper.” Ell rolled her eyes at his wit.  “Yeah yeah. Nice meeting you.” She took her hand back but before turning to leave she studied his face now that it was in close proximity. His nose made his entire face look sad, like a puppy. Not in a depressing way, more like he was on the verge of looking eternally tired. His eyes darted from left to right when he looked at her as he quickly penciled in the details of her face. Ell smiled and turned to join her friend. 

“Ok see you guys soon.” Viv said as Ell shook Alex’s hand. 

“A handshake, alright. How grown up.” He winked at her before pulling her into a hug. Viv laughed and grabbed Ell’s hand again, pulling her through the yard. Alex waved at them. 

“See you tomorrow, Viv!” As she waved back, Ell took one more look in the boys’ direction. Graham had already disappeared. 

 

-

 

The first week of classes rolled by in a blur. Alex stopped by most days to lie on Viv’s bed and read French literature. He said Honoré de Balzac and Jean-Paul Sartre were his favorite writers and often quoted them if the room got too quiet. Ell’s classes kept her busy most days. Walking into her sketching class on Friday, a familiar figure sat on one of the stools in the back, head down in sleep. She approached the snoring student slowly. 

“You alright?” Graham’s head lifted slowly to process the voice speaking to him. He grabbed at a pair of glasses perched beside his sketchbooks and slid them onto his face clumsily. 

“ Oh hi. You are in one of my classes then. ”

“Guess so.” She pointed to his glasses.  “I didn’t know you wore glasses.” Graham nodded, scratching his head. 

“I only wear them in class but my eyesight keeps getting worse so I’ll probably have to wear them all the time soon. Anyway,” he trailed off softly.  “Seat’s open next to me.”

“Cheers thanks.” Ell set her books down and took the wooden stool next to Graham. He spoke through a yawn. 

“ I hear Alex has been over there a lot. Overstaying his welcome probably. ”

“ Ah well, Viv likes him a lot. They get on well. ”

“Get on?” Graham raised his eyebrows with a grin.  “Well you know. They study together, eat together. He even had a nap while she was away it was kind of odd.” Graham laughed. 

“ Yeah that’s Alex. Does this thing where he wants to impress everyone with his smarts. He’s the intellectual bisexual type. ”

“Oh yeah?” Graham nodded in response. 

“Yeah yeah. But he’s harmless. I’d cut in if he were hurting her.” Ell smiled and thought of Alex. His boyish good looks, long dark hair, and slender frame were enough to woo anyone, girl or boy. 

“I guess that makes sense now that I think about it. I’m actually not surprised.” She retorted. Graham’s body had turned to face Ell almost completely now. He rested his elbow on the workbench in front of them and played with bits of his unkempt hair. 

“ It’s been nice having him gone actually. Our flat is almost always empty now. ”

“I thought you two might be roommates.” Ell grinned as she watched Graham purse his lips.  “Has he tried anything on you? Being an intellectual bisexual and all?” His eyes warmed, lips joining them as the corners curved into a smile. 

“ You mean every chance he can? Yeah definitely. ”

“Well what about you? Also an intellectual bisexual?” Graham laughed nervously at her question. 

“Erm, I don’t know. I’d probably be too awkward for all that anyway. Horrible at romance as is. I’ll leave it to Alex to kiss boys. He’s kissed enough to cover for the both of us.” He looked down awkwardly. 

“Sorry that’s kind of a personal question I guess,” Ell backtracked. 

“No it’s fine. We’re at art college for fuck’s sake.” They laughed together as class began. Sitting next to Graham was a delightful experience as any. His quiet but quick wit was used at just the right time. He wasn’t obnoxious though, like Alex. He didn’t have to be. Throughout the class, they joked about students taking themselves too seriously, showing canvases with single dots of red or blue on them and calling it abstract. 

“It’s all a bit pretentious,” Ell said as they sketched the model at the front of the classroom. 

“It gets so much worse as the year goes on it’s horrible.” Graham felt like someone Ell had known all her life and yet, she knew no one like him. All her nerves from her first night at Goldsmith’s had gone. Things felt comfortable now. She looked over at Graham’s sketchbook and saw how easily he glided his pencil across the page to join two shapes together. He really was a talented artist.

“You off to your empty flat?” Ell asked when class was dismissed.

“Yeah I guess so.” Graham said, folding his glasses and stuffing them in his pocket. Ell nodded. 

“ Well I’ll see you around I guess. ”

“ Are you hungry? ”

“ Starving. ”

“Come on. I’m not letting you go back to Viv and Alex shagging in your room.” Ell laughed, knowing he was probably right.  “Do you like Chinese?”

The two of them walked across campus towards an abandoned looking neighborhood. Graham reassured her that the food was worth the walk and when they finally began eating, Ell agreed. It was the best Chinese food she’d ever tasted. Not only was the food good, Graham’s company was relaxing and funny. It was nice to finally have someone around who actually wanted to spend time with her. Viv was too busy being seduced by Alex that she barely spoke to Ell the entire first week. She didn’t mind it though. She was used to being alone most of the time and cherished the small park near their dormitory. Just like Ell, Graham was almost always alone. He preferred it. He told her about their first year at Goldsmith’s and how Alex stuck to Graham right away when he first met him. Their group of friends was small but consistent and according to Graham, full of talent. He was from a small town called Colchester, just East of London. Ell had been there a few times to visit her Aunt Judith and Uncle Frank. She told him about her family and when she started art classes as a kid. Graham took another bite and relaxed back in his chair. 

“ What kind of music do you like? ”

“Oh I’m a huge New Order fan.” Graham nodded in agreement.  “I like The Specials, The Jam, and The Human League. They’re my favorite.” He smiled at her enthusiasm. 

“ You would get on with my friend really well. ”

“ Does he go here? ”

“Oh, no.. He’s off at a drama school.” He said softly. Ell shrugged. 

“Well what about you?” Graham’s distant gaze came back to her. 

“I love The Jam too. The Kinks, The Who, Dinosaur Jr, Teenage Fanclub, Beatles of course..” he trailed off in thought.  “I really like trying to play like Paul Weller.”

“You play?” Ell’s face twisted into excitement. 

“ Yeah yeah. It’s nothing though. ”

“Coooome ooon. If you’re gonna brag, you can brag to me. I play bass!” She added. Graham laughed, picking at the tablecloth. 

“ You do? So does Alex! ”

“No way.” Ell said, unable to control the smile resting on her face.  “Ok but really, tell me about you and guitars.” Graham sighed, a slight blush forming on his face. 

“ Well I’m in a band but I’m not trying to be all _look at me I’m in a band._ We’re not a big deal. ”

“Are you signed?” Ell prodded with a grin. 

“We’re on Food Records, yeah. Last March.” Graham smiled slyly and looked at Ell who had donned a huge smile. He chuckled.  “Whaaat?”

“That’s amazing! Come on you don’t have to be shy about it. I had no idea you were doubly talented.” Graham scoffed. 

“ I’m alright. We’re alright I guess. ”

“ What are you guys called? ”

“ Well we were Seymour but the label thought it was too ‘student’ so we changed it to Blur. ”

“Blur.” Ell repeated. Graham smiled when she said it aloud.  “I like it.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

“Is that smell coming from your paint?” Graham sat next to Ell, scrunching his up nose in disgust. The two of them sat on Graham’s rug on a Wednesday afternoon to attempt finishing the project their professor had assigned two weeks ago. Ell rolled her eyes at his complaint. 

“I know it’s bad but I can’t afford the new ones right now. The library isn’t taking applications like I thought.” She shrunk in embarrassment and pushed the paints further away from Graham. 

“No, it’s fine. Use mine I’ve got plenty. My dad just sent some.” Before she could decline the offer, he had squeezed a glob of black paint onto her palette, and then a red one, and then blue, yellow, and white. He looked up, his face happy with his assertiveness. 

“Gra, I really should just use up my paints so I can finally throw them out.” He pursed his lips, pouting as he always did when he was proven wrong. 

“You’re probably right.” Ell and Graham had spent nearly every day together since that first Friday. All of them, Viv, Alex, Graham, Ell, Paul, Damien, and Sam had become a supergroup of friends over the past couple weeks, spending entire weekends together sprawled out on some grassy hill on Goldsmith’s nicer Westside drinking cheap wine. Alex always brought some kind of fancy cheese and crackers no one ended up liking. He said the stinkier it was, the better the quality. Damien, who was a senior, had already had a few art shows where his professors would gush over his work to the entire gallery crowd. Alex and Viv started dating the second week into term, barely leaving each other’s sight for more than a couple hours. To Graham’s pleasure, they spent most of their time in Viv and Ell’s dorm. So much so, Ell ended up spending most of her time at Graham and Alex’s. It wasn't too much of a problem. Their dormitory was only a ten minute walk from Ell’s. Seven if you were brisk about it. The weeks had dragged by with piles of coursework and projects to tackle everyday. As Ell had expected, she soon achieved the familiar ‘eternally tired’ look Graham had sported from day one. He made sure to point it out every couple days, reminding her to try and get more sleep if she could. Ell appreciated Graham for looking out for her. Their friendship had taken on a mind of it’s own with long hugs, nights spent laid out on his rug talking about anything they could think of, and brief but meaningful kisses on the cheek. They never talked about it though. It was a sort of normal they’d gotten used to. Graham was her best friend at Goldsmith’s but he was also one of the most attractive guys she’d seen on campus. She knew he felt the same about her and they left it at that. They didn’t need to complicate things. 

The next week, Ell began talking to a girl in her literature class named Emilia. She was quiet and kind, with long auburn hair that cascaded down her back. Her brilliant green eyes were the star of the show, catching attention from most every boy in the class. She was book smart, a history major. Ell knew the group would love her right away and brought her along to Alex and Graham’s one night. 

“You… are… gorgeous, darlin.” Paul said with a longing look at Emilia. 

“She’s got a boyfriend, Paul. It’s a no go.”Ell cut in. Alex chuckled from across the room, his arm slung around Viv casually. 

“Sorry Paulie.” He taunted evilly. Graham chuckled quietly beside Ell with a beer in hand. 

“Don’t worry, Emilia. Every girl here had to go through Paul. You’re doing great.” Alex continued from the bed. Viv shoved him with a stern smile. 

“No worries. Uh, does anyone have any vodka?” Emilia asked.

“Now that is my kind of girl.” Viv popped up from the bed and opened a cooler beside the small fridge next to the door. Alex shook his head with a grin. “Vodka head this one.” 

Emilia fit right into the group like a puzzle piece. They all felt comfortable at Goldsmith’s, creating and enjoying each others’ company. Soon the weather cooled down, something Ell always looked forward to. Classes were going well, Graham had picked up a job at a nearby deli, and Emilia, Viv, and Ell started hanging out more and more. The three were all different in their own ways. Viv was hard, stubborn enough for all of them combined. Emilia was sweet on the outside but deep down, she was a thrill seeker. And Ell. Ell was the happy medium, easy to get on with but strong enough to know when to stick up for herself. The one thing they all shared was their love of music. After Graham had told Ell about Blur, Ell took out her bass to brush up. 

“Shut up,” Viv said, wide-eyed. She shut the door behind her tightly to keep the warmth in. 

“What?” Ell tuned the bass slowly, her hands finding the familiar place on the strings they knew so well. “What, Viv!” She repeated after seeing her friend’s contorted face above her. 

“Babe you didn’t tell me you played an instrument. Let alone the bass!” Viv’s brows knit together briefly before she rummaged under her bed. Moments later, she pulled out an old looking, very beaten up guitar. 

“Don’t tell me you play that.” Ell set the bass down beside her, standing up to get a better look at Viv’s guitar. “Ok no, please tell me you play that.” 

“Why the hell else would I have a guitar, Ell!” She smiled down at her, a twinkle in her eye. Ell looked at her with an air of hesitancy. She paused before shaking the idea from her head. 

“No, nevermind.” Ell turned and sat back down, touching the neck of her bass gently. 

“What? Nevermind what?” Viv cradled the guitar like a child, as if dropping it would mean certain death. “Ell.” She insisted.

“I’ve always wanted to play in a band. And you know how I told you about Graham and Blur and all that? It’s got me thinking about it again that’s all.” She let the sentence come out in a jumble, trying not to sound too hopeful. Viv laughed softly, a curious smile forming on her face. 

“I’ll be in a band with you.” 

-  
October came quicker than Ell expected. Her first term at Goldsmith’s had already been a dream and a half. She sat on her bed with her paints spread out as she painted an enormous bluebird. She painted each feather carefully, paying close attention to detail. She had spent the entire Sunday working on it, getting it ready for critique on Tuesday. Viv had disappeared hours ago with Alex to god knows where. 

Knock knock knock knock.

She slipped off the bed and stood on her toes to peer through the peephole. Graham stood on the other side, his eyes tired from the week before. Ell unlocked the door with a smile.

“Hey.”

“Hey. I uh- have something for you.” Her eyes looked down at the large plastic bag in his hands. He quickly hid it behind his back. “Don’t look.” Graham’s eyes locked with Ell’s perhaps a moment too long to be considered ‘friendly’. It was their normal. Longing looks, friendly jokes, late night walks around campus. Each night sealed with a quick kiss on Ell’s cheek which left it hot and blushing pink. With the latter being the most coveted by both, they let each other fall into a rhythm of sorts; hold hands, lie together, kiss on the cheek, hold hands, hug, kiss on the cheek. Ell often thought about Graham when they weren’t together, letting thoughts about school and friends take a back seat. She was smitten with the idea of continuing being these ‘friends’ who stared at each other too long, kissed far too often, and spent more time together than casual friends would. But Graham wasn’t her casual friend. He was her best friend and she couldn’t help what she felt. Especially if he kept turning up unannounced like this. 

“It’s nothing special anyway but…” he moved the bag in front of his stomach again and held it out, “here.” Ell hesitated, squinting her eyes in caution as to not be too keen. Graham wasn’t the sort to surprise his friends with gifts. The entire situation felt odd, different. She looked from his eyes down to the bag and grabbed a smooth box inside, pulling it out. 

“Graham, wha-“ she looked up to him surveying his face. It grinned warmly down at her. He scratched the back of his head. “You didn’t have to buy me these!” Ell looked back down at the beautiful box of paints and felt a tightening across her chest. “Is that why you got that job at the deli?” Her voice came out in a hush. The room around them was dark with shadows from the trees outside hitting the walls like streaks of old paint on a canvas. The sun had just set an hour ago and Ell hadn’t bothered getting up to turn on the light.

“Yeah well you needed new proper paints and didn’t have the money so, I just thought I’d surprise you.” Graham looked at Ell who was now staring up at him, an unsure look on her face. She saw three things pass over his. Regret, confusion, and longing. The last almost always present when he looked at her.

“They smelled so horr-” His attempt at explaining himself was cut short as Ell made the executive decision to lean up and kiss him square on the mouth. It was unfamiliar territory, dry chapped lips pressed together desperately, but a feeling they both felt they knew. The idea came to the forefront of their attention every time Graham would smirk and purse his lips. Every time Ell would bite hers as she drew. The thought was always there, even if it did linger at the back of their mind. 

Graham pulled away to take the box from Ell’s hands and placed it on her desk carefully. He didn’t dare hesitate a second longer and kissed her again, harder, more desperately than before. He clumsily grabbed her face, totally unsure how to act. Graham had thought about kissing Ell hundreds of times over the course of the term. On his bed, lying in the grass, walking to class. Every time he saw her, the thought would dash across his brain a dozen times. But now that he was actually kissing her, hearing her breathing turn shallow, he wondered why he had waited so long to do it in the first place. The days spent painting in his dirty little flat seemed to stretch into one long passage of time. Time he could’ve spent telling her how when the sun set, just before it disappeared, the red light would catch her eyes momentarily and the world would seem to stop for Graham. How when she would pick songs to play at parties, he knew she would play something they had listened to the night before. It was for him. He knew it. How every time Alex would talk in French in public, they’d put a pound in the coin jar beside Graham’s bed only to use it to go out to eat when there was enough money there. Secrets and habits they both kept now that they were friends. But now, things were sure to change just like he knew they would when they finally kissed. 

Ell felt breathless with Graham’s lips on hers. Her hand traveled up his chest, passing the faint muscles defined under his t-shirt and resting on his cheek which was always clean shaven. She loved every inch of Graham’s face and often told him it was one artists would kill to paint. The soft dark hair that hung just above his eyes, his lips turned down in concentration, and his eyes. They looked almost sad, almost heartbreakingly beautiful, like some kind of doll. And yet when she looked at him from afar, he looked rightly masculine. Especially beside Alex. But Ell’s favorite thing about Graham was his hands. They were soft and slender but whenever she’d hold them, they were firm. As he kissed her, his hands innocently gripped her waist, pulling them closer together and causing Ell to gasp at their sudden closeness. 

“Sorry,” he breathed and moved to kiss her again, opening his mouth more and moving Ell’s with it. He explored her mouth slowly to make sure they agreed on a pace and when Ell pushed herself into him more, Graham took the liberty to let the kiss become rougher. As they kissed, Graham hoped to god he was doing it all right. He wasn't one for romance, let alone kissing pretty girls. They swayed together, totally in their own world in Ell’s dark room. She prayed Viv was out somewhere, far far away. 

Graham pulled back, eyes glazed. He smiled, laughing at their shared breathlessness. It was quiet in the room, but it wasn’t nerve wracking. He moved to kiss her again, this time sweet and slow with his hand unsteadily holding her chin, treating her gentler than before.

Ell moaned softly, startling herself. Although Graham wasn't outwardly sexual, he did have something about him that made him seem it, even if he did his best to hide it away out of embarrassment. Like the brief moments during their friendship when Ell felt he might kiss her, he was always shy, calculated, and cautious. He would look to her to find a reaction, an emotion he could study carefully and quietly before doing anything he might regret. His normal hesitancy had gone, replaced by kissing, grabbing, heavy breathing. 

“Wait, Ell.” Graham looked her in the eyes, cheeks red. 

“Hmm?” 

“Do you uh- like me?” He asked as if she would say no, bracing himself for rejection. Ell bit her lip, stifling a laugh. How could he think she’d say no?  
“Yeah.” She laughed. Graham’s face relaxed again, taking on a smile. 

“D’you wanna be my girlfriend?” His pupils darted from the floor to her eyes, waiting for her answer.

“Yeah I do.” Ell blushed and tucked her hair behind her ear. Graham nodded, pursing his lips like a child. She stepped back, took a breath, and smiled up at him. “And thanks for the paints.”

-“One two three fo-” Viv strummed the chords they’d gone over for an hour and launched into Cherry’s first official song. The three of them had set up in one of the practice rooms in the basement of the music building and had been at it for the past three hours. The newly formed band was just finding it’s feet. Emilia took drums, Viv played guitar and sang, and Ell supported on the bass. 

November was frigid and cold and all Ell could think about was how it felt to finally play bass again. Her fingers moved from fret to fret, lying in the groove and dancing through the melody. Since Cherry had formed, her and Alex had grown closer than she ever imagined they would. After a year of not playing, Alex was her go to guy to help her get back into the swing of it. 

“You don’t give yourself enough credit.” Alex smirked, adjusting the bass in his lap, a cigarette hanging precariously from his thin lips. It was just after midnight. The two friends had been working out a chord structure for the better half of an hour. Ell had dragged herself from her last class to the music building, dedication at an all time high. Alex on the other hand, had blown off classes the entire week, telling her that Blur had been busy as of late, recording at an actual studio. 

“What do you mean?” 

“You’re better than you say you are.” He looked to her, picking at the strings idly. “You must know that, Ell. You’ve been working at these songs so hard I don’t know how you manage it.” She blinked slowly before yawning. Her face twisted into a smile. 

“Thanks.” Alex nodded as a cloud of smoke rose in front of his face, clouding him completely. It was late now and both of them were tired. The week had finally ended and thank god for it. Ell had slept a total of 24 hours in the past week, using her days to finish late projects, unwritten songs, and piles of homework she had regretfully pushed aside for time with Graham. Things were beautiful, in fact they were so close to perfect it confused her. Although she was delirious, her brain escaped to thoughts of lying in Graham’s bed, close to him, close to an angel. Cherry had written a total of seven songs in the course of a month and had a string of gigs lined up before the holidays began. Ell’s eyes drooped with exhaustion.

“You should really be sleeping.” Graham stood above, startling her out of her foggy thoughts. 

“What the-“

“Ell come on. You’ve got the thing down, I’ve been listening for ten minutes. It’s perfect.” He packed her notebook and pen back into her bag, gently taking the bass from her and locking it into it’s case. Ell nodded in agreement and grabbed her things, turning to Alex before leaving. 

“Thanks, Al. You didn’t need to humor me.” He grinned, dabbing his cigarette into the ash tray on the table. 

“Sleep tight, Stell.” Graham winked at Alex and walked slowly across campus holding Ell’s hand tightly. She felt the weight of her bag pulling at her back, the unbearable exhaustion clouding her mind, the feeling of Graham’s hand wrapped securely around hers, the biting cold wind of November caressing her skin, the almost inaudible humming sounding off beside her. Blue Monday by New Order, one of Alex’s favorites. 

“Thanks.” She smiled softly at Graham. 

“For?” He chewed on his bottom lip. The habit was almost at the point of being dangerous, teetering on the verge of drawing blood from his bowed lips. 

“Coming early.” Her voice sounded miles away. Graham laughed, pulling her closer.

“You don’t need to work this hard.” He fished his keys from his trousers, unlocking the door with skill. “What you need is rest.”

“Mmm good thing you have a bed.” Ell dropped her bag on the counter and headed straight for the bathroom. “I love you, Gra.” She called. He chuckled as he poured them glasses of water. The flat was quiet and dark and soon, his arm was coiled around her, Ell almost asleep. 

“I didn’t know you liked New Order that much.” Her eyes were closed, head resting in the crook of his neck. The sentence barely made it out of her throat. A wave of sleep hit her.

“What?” 

“You were humming Blue Monday before.” 

“Oh yeah. I was going to tell you-” Ell nodded sleepily. Another wave.

“Mmm?” 

“You remember my friend I told you about. The one I said you’d get on with?” 

“Mhmm.” Ell felt another wave of sleep hit her, hearing Graham’s voice as if it were in a dream. Like she was underwater. One two, one two, one one two. Her ear heard every beat of his chest. It was like a clock. Slowly, slowly, it coaxed her into sleep, Graham now far away, in a distant reality. 

“Erm, he’ll be at the party tomorrow. He just phoned today. I know you’ll like him, he’s brilliant. And uh- he’s keen on New Order so I put some on earlier. I don’t know why really.” Ell was quiet, now fully taken by sleep. Knowing it was no use to try and tell her again, Graham looked over at the phone on his desk across the room. He sighed, readjusted, and closed his eyes willing sleep to take him too.

 

The first thing Ell did that morning was clean up Graham’s room. Although he now basically lived alone thanks to the frequent absence of Alex, the bedroom was still littered with books, shoes, and various sheets of paper with frantic sketches penciled into them. Tonight, the flat would host one of the last end of term parties, undoubtedly cramming the four small rooms with students of all kinds. Ell woke late and immediately started cleaning. 

“Hey.” Graham stood in the bedroom doorway. The dark circles under his eyes had become so shadowed and sunken that Ell had difficulty focusing on anything else. 

“I was wondering where you went.”

“Yeah, Alex came by. We got beer.” Ell nodded, pulling the blinds open. 

“Enough?” Graham laughed at her question and cocked his head, motioning for her to follow him towards the front of the flat. 

“Morning, Ell!” Alex chirped. He sat on one of the kitchen chairs beside about twenty cases of beer. She laughed, half scoffing at the excess amount of alcohol in front of her. 

“Where the hell did you guys get the money?” Alex kicked his foot out, folding one leg over the other in one swift movement. 

“Paul. His dad’s loaded.”

“Practically shits out money.” Graham added, lighting a cigarette and taking a short drag. The three of them straightened up the rest of the house, as much as three students cared to straighten up at least. When the flat was clean enough, Ell laid back down in Graham’s bed and fell asleep once again. 

“Ell.” Graham shook her awake gently. “Hey, it’s half eight. Do you need a shower?” Ell wiped the sleep from her eyes and sat up, greeted by a very cleaned up Graham. 

“You look so nice.” She reached out and touched his shirt, smiling. 

“Thanks.” She noticed an air of nervousness about him when she left the room to shower. All afternoon, he’d been quieter than usual, straightening up corners of the flat he never would’ve cared about before they planned this party. She wondered what he was so worried about as she got ready. 

Viv, Alex, Damien, Emilia, and Sam were the first to arrive. As expected. Graham had already calmed himself down with four beers before anyone had stepped foot in the flat. Ell immediately noticed his nerves take a back seat as the alcohol kicked in. She took another sip of her own beer and listened to Damien talk about his recent fascination with color blocking techniques. 

“Graham seems to be enjoying himself,” Viv whispered in her ear, grabbing her arm and moving them away from the circle. 

“Yeah I don’t know why he’s drinking so fast.” Ell said. Viv looked towards the group with a furrowed brow. 

“I don’t know if it means anything but Alex mentioned their friend Damon would be here. Has Graham said anything about it?” Ell wracked her brain with little success. 

“No I don’t think so. Why’s that got him so nervous?” Viv shrugged, sucking at her cigarette. Ell looked back at Graham and Alex. Both of them seemed anxious. It made her stomach turn. “Hold on.” She walked over to the group and placed herself between Graham and Paul. 

“Hey, you.” Graham hummed, smiling at her with red cheeks. 

“C’mere.” Ell walked into the kitchen, him following behind closely. “Are you alright? You seem really nervous or anxious or something.” She noticed his lips looking more ragged than usual, a symptom of his excessive chewing. Graham sighed, letting himself breathe. “Gra, breathe. Jesus.” 

“I’m fine I promise.” He shot her a smile. Not a phony one either, a real genuine Graham smile. Ell felt herself relax, tipping her beer back and finishing the bottle. 

“Alright. Be careful ok?” Graham nodded, promising her he would be. They rejoined the group who was now talking about who in their classes they fancied.

“Alex. Tara in our lit class is fit isn’t she?” Paul raised his eyebrows and grinned like a cat. Ell saw Damien roll his eyes, Emilia stifling a laugh.

“Go for it, mate.” Alex encouraged, chuckling softly with an arm slung over Viv. Ell admired the two of them, both incredibly good friends and both insanely in love. They looked like a painting standing next to each other. Ell smiled to herself as she named the imaginary painting Two Goths in Love. 

“Oi oi!” A very serious looking ginger appeared in the doorway, holding three packets of cigarettes, each a different brand. Alex looked over and broke away from the group, clapping the boy on the back happily. Ell felt Graham’s arm tense as he looked over at the scene. Another boy, taller and much more beautiful, appeared behind the first. When he stepped further into the room and hugged Alex, Ell noticed the same beaded necklace Graham wore around his neck. 

“Hold on.” Graham whispered before walking briskly over to the three boys greeting each other. Ell caught a glimpse of his face. She’d only ever seen his face that excited two other times; after they first kissed, and when she bought him a T. Rex record. The second boy turned to Graham, his face mirroring his friend’s. They hugged each other tightly and before letting go completely, the boy grabbed Graham’s face and kissed his cheek. 

After a moment, the four boys joined the group, smiling happily. “You guys know Dave.” Alex clapped the ginger haired boy on the back again. He nodded, lighting a cigarette. “And Damon of course.” Damon stood next to Graham, grinning. His hair was cut in what almost resembled a mushroom. His dark eyebrows framed his face, nearly meeting in the middle. Ell looked at Graham who now looked over at her, smiling. As the group fell back into conversation, he pointed Damon in her direction, whispering something in his ear. 

When his eyes found her, blue met green and Ell found herself blushing. Suddenly it hit her. This was what Graham had been nervous about.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a bit longer than I expected but I didn't want to cut it short and exclude some fluff/angst. I'm really enjoying writing this fic and hope you all like it as well. Please share it amongst the Blur community if you'd like as I've got big plans in store for this story. Shit, bookmark it! Let me know what you think so far and thanks in advance for taking time to read it.

The first thing Ell noticed about Damon were his incredibly feminine features. When she continued to steal second-long glances at the boy, she wondered how one could notice anything else. He was pretty, like a girl almost, with a nose that curved down in a seemingly perfect slope. His eyes, from what she could tell from across the circle, were a striking shade of blue. Like sea water collecting in shallow pools around the rocks. And his mouth was all tight pink lips, smirking and wrapping around his speech. Even from ten feet away, Ell could see his tight grin in perfect detail.

“Ell, hey I want you to meet my mate.” Graham tapped her shoulder, pulling her back to reality. Unbeknownst to Ell who found herself lost in her own thoughts, he had removed himself and Damon from the circle in one quick movement and was now standing behind her. She turned, wearing an almost apologetic smile.

“Hey sorry.” She half spoke to Graham. “Hi- hello.” She addressed Damon now noticing the quite prominent bags under his eyes. Just like Graham.

“Gra’s told me a lot about you.” He mused with a grin. Ell looked to Graham who had quite literally put himself behind Damon, watching the interaction between girlfriend and best mate.

“He- he has? Graham?” Ell looked from Damon to Graham. Back and forth, back and forth. She couldn’t help but feel somewhat left out of the loop. After Viv mentioned the possible arrival of Alex and Graham’s friend and the strange but understandable nervous air he had worn all day, Ell’s mind whirred with questions.

“Yeah, a bit. I wouldn’t say a lot, Dames.” Graham shot his friend a curious look.

“Well not a lot but everything he’s said is true. You are very attractive.”

“Dames— Graham started, wide-eyed.

“Sorry.” Damon smiled, shifting himself into a lower gear. Ell laughed softly, furrowing her brows together. A second passed before Graham stepped forward, leveling himself with Damon, a typically rare display of dominance.

“Well if I’m honest, this is the first time you’ve ever been mentioned.” Ell saw Damon’s face fall to confusion. He looked at Graham like a puppy dog that had just been kicked. Graham backtracked.

“I- I didn’t know if you were coming so I guess it didn’t cross my mind.” His voice faltered, fading to silence.

“S’alright Gra, I’ll catch her up.” Damon turned to Ell, cheeks rosy. “Graham and I met when we were eleven,” he smiled to Graham, “at Stanway Comprehensive. We grew up together. I was in a band with my mates and we needed a saxophone player to do a solo on one of our songs. Graham was the only kid who played.” Graham stood next to Damon, watching his profile as his best friend relived their shared childhood. His eyes focused intently on Damon’s lips.

“Turns out he was also a great guitar player. And now,” he turned to Graham looking uncertain, “I’m not sure if he’s told you about Blur—”

“He has yea.” Ell interrupted, feeling slightly talked down to. “He told me a long time ago.” Damon nodded, sensing the aggravation.

“Sorry, I didn’t kn—”

“No I’m sorry. Go on.” Ell felt her cheeks fill with red, embarrassed. Graham stood by still silent.

“No worries. I guess that’s kind of the end anyway. We formed Blur and went our separate ways for university.” Damon’s tone had turned completely. Sad, quieter than a minute ago. “Sounds kind of sad now that I’m saying it out loud.”

“Well it’s not like it’s the end.” Graham finally spoke. “We have been recording.” Damon’s face brightened at the mention of music.

“That’s right.” He looked to Graham, smiling. His long mushroom crop hung sloppily over his forehead. She didn’t know whether it was the failed communication between herself and Graham or the sudden overload of Damon that made Ell feel on edge. She so desperately wanted to ask Graham why he hadn’t mentioned his apparent best friend to her. He hadn’t even slid it into casual conversation. Nothing. It was as if the mention of a five letter word starting with D was some taboo topic that he couldn’t bare to talk about. But still, Ell couldn’t be mad at Graham. He’d been visibly anxious all day which wasn’t necessarily rare, especially with the looming cloud of finals above their heads. But now she knew why he had been just that much more nervy. The presence of Damon hadn’t changed his personality. Rather, it made him seem almost boastful about their friendship. Like being linked to Damon was some sort of accomplishment.

“Dames! You don’t even have a drink in your hand!” Alex seemed to appear out of thin air next to Damon, another cigarette precariously hanging from his thin lips. Ell wondered how it never fell.

“Well fix me something then!” Alex and Damon disappeared around the corner, heading towards the kitchen and the no doubt still towering mountain of booze.

“Sorry, I should’ve said something.” Graham looked meek and a bit stung with embarrassment. “Ell—”

“I mean it’s alright. But you didn’t even mention him. I had no idea who he was.” She shuffled her feet, kicking at the ground. Although she had a keen insight into how Graham worked, what made him tick, she hadn’t the slightest idea that Damon was coming tonight. And just how nervous it made Graham.

“I really— I’m sorry.” He paused, looking as if he were choosing his next words carefully. “It’s just that Damon is a lot to handle sometimes. He can be— overbearing.”

“You could’ve told me more about him. All I knew of him was that him and I would apparently ‘get on well’.” Ell repeated the same phrase Graham had said that first Friday out to lunch. She looked up at him, now trying to understand why he’d kept his best friend from her.

“I guess Dames and I kind of left off on a bad foot. And it was only recently that he called me and apologized.” His lips pursed together, as they always did. It was one of his habits Ell had a soft spot for. “Just a couple days ago.”

Ell thought for a moment. “I guess I have been doing a lot of stuff for Cherry.” Graham took it as an opportunity to agree.

“Yea! I didn’t want to worry you with something else. You’ve been so concentrated.”

“It’s no worry, G. You can tell me things you know. Like who your best mate is. And if he’s coming to visit. And why you’re nervous. An—” Graham laughed quietly and a smile formed on his lips.

“Alright alright. I guess you make a good point. Sorry.” He pulled at his hair, looking at Ell.

“It’s ok.” He leaned in for a kiss, audibly sighing in relief when their lips met. He always tried to hide his anxiety, and with it, his obvious and always constant desire to kiss her. But to Ell, it was like trying to hide an elephant in a field. She smiled into the kiss, only pulling away when she heard Emilia yelling something from behind her.

“Ok, this party is way too sober!” She stood on a table, handle of some brand of cheap vodka in hand. Although Ell wasn’t one to drink herself under the table, Emilia was right. Everyone seemed far too sober; herself included. Graham took her hand as they walked towards the cluster of people now surrounding Emilia. She poured vodka in cups as everyone held them up to her. Ell saw Alex and Damon standing near the corner of the room, talking close. Both faces looked somewhat serious as if they were discussing a topic that demanded furrowed brows and tight lips.

Graham returned to her side and handed her a cup full of god knows what. Ell didn’t hesitate and decided she wanted to feel much fuzzier than usual. She gulped almost half of it down before looking at Graham who was now giggling.

“Good,” was all he said. After three more cups of what tasted like orange juice, vodka, and whiskey mixed together in a haphazard concoction, Ell felt much more settled in the tipsy state she rarely found herself in. She wasn’t a huge drinker but tonight felt like a good time to change that. In a slightly frustrating inner battle, she continued to deny that she was doing it because of Damon. She really wasn’t. She tipped the cup back, finishing her fourth drink.

Ell smiled up at Graham who sat beside her on the couch, a skinny arm slung around her shoulder in an attempt at looking like a proper boyfriend.

“I’ve got to pee,” he giggled and hiccuped as his lips made contact with hers sloppily. In a flash, Graham was gone and left Ell sitting alone, more drunk than she’d been in a long time.

“Kind of a shit boyfriend mm?” Damon plopped himself down beside her, closer than expected. She felt herself tense up, almost like an instant defense mechanism. It was only after she noticed his eyebrows knit together that she remembered she was supposed to respond to him.

“He’s a good boyfriend. He is.”

“Only joking. I’m sure he’s great. Gra’s a good guy.” Damon’s eyes surveyed her face carefully as if he were memorizing every freckle. Ell could now see his sharp features up close. If anyone had an intimidatingly beautiful face, it was Damon.

“He’s lovely.”

“I was kind of surprised when he told me about you.”

“Why?”

Damon paused, picking at the frayed rips in his jeans. “He’s not exactly the most confident bloke around you know?” Ell grimaced and felt defensive.

“He’s confident. In his own way.” Damon smiled at her counter argument, shaking his head.

“That’s not what I meant. I mean—” he paused again as a Blondie song played, “It’s just been a while since he was with anyone. And last time he got quite hurt. I felt awful.” Ell saw his eyes dart down to his hands. He looked as if he regretted what he had said. As if too much information had been shared. “I’m quite loose, I don’t mean to insult him or rat him out, I—”

“What do you mean? You felt awful?” Ell knew she was getting into pretty dangerous territory talking to Graham’s best mate about his past romantic adventures, but she couldn’t steer the conversation in another direction. As much as she felt guilty about it, she was too intrigued to change the subject. Damon’s cheeks flushed pink under the dim light of the sitting room. It surprised Ell. She was under the impression that nothing could embarrass Damon. Certainly not that easily anyway.

“Well, uh— it’s been a while since I’ve even talked to Graham.” His tone was cautious. Ell knew he was backtracking. “I guess he might’ve changed since we last spoke.” He looked to her, grinning tightly. “Anyway, he’s got you now anyway. I’m sure he doesn’t dwell on the past much.”

“Well he’s wonderful anyway.” Ell felt the alcohol rush through her veins, making her more confident than normal. “Are you guys alright? I mean after your uh— fight?” Damon nodded and threw back the last of what was in his cup.

“Yeah. It was mostly my fault anyway. But it’s all behind us you know?”

“Yeah. All you can do it move forward I guess.” She knew better than to push her questions further. Damon had already given her enough signs he didn’t want to divulge anymore details.

“Course, love.” He winked at her and stood up. “Care for a fag?” He offered her his hand and patted his pocket. It had been a while since Graham had left for the toilet. He wouldn’t mind right? Ell took Damon’s hand and stood up, nearly falling over.

“Woah woah,” he caught her shoulders, laughing. “You’re certainly in a good spot.” Ell laughed and rolled her eyes as she followed him out to the garden.

Once outside, Ell sat next to Damon shoulder to shoulder. He handed her a beer, popping the top of his own can. She took a drag from the cigarette he had given her and blew it up into the night air.

“You smoke much?” He blinked at her, quick flashes of blue under tired eyelids. Although she knew it was the alcohol settling into her system, Ell couldn’t deny the obvious attraction she had to Damon. She loved Graham of course. She kept reminding herself she did. But Damon was a different beast. Her stomach flipped when he smiled at her, his face just a few inches away.

“Too much. It’s a problem.” Damon laughed, his voice low, and plucked the cig from her fingers. He sucked on it. The cherry burned red in the dark.

“Graham and I started smoking at thirteen.”

“Thirteen? Fuck.” She disregarded the stolen cigarette and brought the beer to her lips. Warm and crap.

“We did a lot at a young age.” Damon stopped and laughed at his own statement. “I— god I didn’t mean for it to sound like that.”

“I was going to say…”

“We did a lot of stupid shite. That’s what I meant.” He hid his face, laughing. Damon smelt faintly of cologne and smoke; the latter overpowering the first. It was polar opposite of Graham who smelt like clean sheets and paint.

“I’m sure.” She sipped again and let the moment pass. “You know before when I said Graham never mentioned you?” Damon nodded. “Well he did when we first met. Briefly though.”

“What’d he say then?”

“That we’d get along.”  
“Oh?” Damon nudged Ell.

“Yeah. Because we like the same music.”

“And that’s….”

“The Human League and uh— New Order.”

Damon grinned widely and hung his head. He laughed to himself, his beer almost spilling.

“What!” Ell questioned. She looked to him curiously and blue locked with green once again. Only this time, it wasn’t from across the room, it was a mere ten inch distance. Ell felt her stomach drop and sipped her beer, not knowing how to preoccupy herself. Not knowing how to not look at Damon.

“I just should’ve known Graham would like someone who likes The Human League and New Order.”

“Why’s that?” Ell watched as Damon’s lips curved up in a smirk. She wondered where Graham was.

“Let me guess. You like The Specials too? What about ska? David Bowie?” His eyes glowed in what could only be described as a happy drunk gaze. Damon had had a lot to drink during the course of the night, Ell was keeping track. Six beers, a mixed drink, and who knows how many cigarettes. Damn he could keep it together. Meanwhile, she blinked, nearly drunk herself. Damon’s hand pressed into the grass. Two inches.

“How’d you kn—”

“They’re all my favorites.” He sucked on his cig. It made a soft popping sound when he pulled it from his lips. “It all makes sense to me now.” His tone was thick with confidence. He was pleased with himself. And before she could question him further, he turned away to face the yard and suddenly Ell didn’t care for questions. She looked at his profile and instantly became envious. Damon’s profile was seemingly more beautiful than his face. His nose curved out, lips pursed as they wrapped around the end of his cigarette. Ell felt her eyes droop, a sure sign her veins were pumping with alcohol now. She didn’t mind though. It felt nice. She’d have to get drunk more often if it meant she’d get to see Damon more. Her brain came to a screeching halt. No. She didn’t mean to think that.

Ell looked behind her into the house and let her eyes quickly scan the crowd for Graham. She still loved him. She needed to tell him that. She needed to kiss him. In front of Damon. Ell saw him take a final drag from the cigarette and flick it into the yard.

“Don’t do that!” She leaned forward and picked the cig from the wet grass. “It’s not attractive to litter.” Ell saw Damon’s face still full of pleasure, smug pleasure that she didn’t understand. She dropped the cig into his beer can.

“You’re cute when you’re angry.” He half whispered the compliment and Ell had to question if he had even said it at all or if she’d made it up in her head. The vodka seemed to twist reality and fantasy at times. She laughed.

“Don’t.” Her face fell to a smile. She looked at Damon and saw his eyes light up under the dim light of the yard.

“Am I not attractive to you anymore then?” He winked and pulled another cigarette from his pack, lighting it quickly and sucking on the end, cheeks con-caved. A cloud of smoke veiled his face but Ell knew he was still grinning. She watched his fingers pinch the cig tightly and then lower it to his lap. Her eyes snapped up to his.

“Damon.” There was warning in her voice. Even so, she kept a smile on and shoved his shoulder gently. “I’m sure plenty of other people think you’re attractive.”

“Mmmm but not you?” His eyes softened, melting to curiosity now. The smugness was gone and Ell felt a shiver travel down her spine. Her brain couldn’t find a response and she decided to sip her beer instead wishing she hadn’t.

“You’re more like Gra than I thought.” Damon laughed and dropped his cigarette into his beer can. “I see why he likes you.”

“And why do you think he likes me?” Ell relaxed, her curiosity growing.

“Well for one, you’re gorgeous. You’re nice from what I can tell. You like good music. You like art like him.” Damon locked his eyes with hers, un-breaking. “I bet he likes your eyes. Has he told you your eyes are lovely?” He looked at her with an intense stare. “And I know he likes your personality, he told me.” Ell smiled to herself.

“Who wouldn’t like you though?” He shrugged matter-of-factly, taking a swig of his beer. He had no idea what he’d done to Ell. Her mind raced and she collected herself, rolling her eyes.

“Well what about you? I’m sure you have girls climbing all over you. Or boys.”

“Oh?”

“I know Alex likes them. Maybe you do too?”

Damon blinked with a blank look on his face. “No one ever stays long enough for me to care anyway,” he said, avoiding the question at hand. “Besides, drama school isn’t exactly an ideal place to find someone. Everyone’s too pretentious.”

“I bet you fit right in.” Ell winked, finding a wind of confidence. “You should’ve just come to Goldsmiths.” She looked at him. “Why didn’t you?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Why?”

Damon’s eyes went wide. “We’re intrusive aren’t we?” Ell smiled brightly, waiting for an answer. Damon hesitated for a moment before giving in. “Graham and I needed some time apart.” He furrowed his brow looking quite stern.

“Why?

“It’s complicated,” he repeated.

“Is everything with you complicated?” Ell used the alcohol to her advantage and pushed his limits.

“Not everything.” He grinned at her. “Some things with me are quite simple.” The wind blew his hair back, showing his face quite clearly. Although she was very close to him, Ell’s drunk eyes laid a blurry filter over his features. His sharp nose, soft. His lips clouded, the detail she studied earlier now gone with the alcohol.

“You’ve got a lovely nose.” The statement left her lips clumsily. Instantly she felt self conscious.

“And you’ve got lovely lips.” Damon’s response was quick, almost as if he had been saving it for the entire night to use at just the right time. To use in the brief moment where Ell was weakest. Where her facade was cracking. Where her loyalty faltered. Where she was closest to him and Graham was nowhere in sight.

“You’re alright, Damon.” Ell didn’t know how else to respond. She knew one thing though. Damon made her stomach roll with nerves, something she rarely experienced with Graham. She felt a tightening across her chest and looked away from blue. The alcohol was fading fast and bringing things back to her mind she’d rather not think about right now. Graham’s face appeared behind her eyelids and suddenly, Ell’s smile vanished.

“You ok?” Damon had noticed her mood change and slowly, tentatively, he placed his hand on her back. “Ell?” She felt his hand burn with heat on her body but she didn’t resist. She blinked, allowing it to stay there. He moved it and rested it on her shoulder gingerly. He was testing the water. Without looking in his direction, Ell could see him grimace. She didn’t know how long he had his hand there as she kept her eyes locked to the ground, watching a worm slide through the grass. Damon was close, probably too close. His breathing was quiet.

“Hey.” Ell looked to the left and saw a very drunk Graham standing there, clutching his beer tightly.

“Graham!” She hopped to her feet and smiled at him. “I was wondering where you were.” He blinked and looked over her, down at Damon. His eyes slid back to Ell’s slowly.

“I was talking with Alex for a while. He kept giving me shots. Fucking gross.” Graham’s voice came out soft as he bit his lips. Behind her, Ell heard Damon stand up.

“You look happy, mate.” He stood next to Ell and held his head high in typical Damon fashion. Ell found that nothing bothered him for too long. He didn’t have time to invest himself in anything. She looked from Graham to Damon and smiled shortly, lips tight.

“You two seem to have hit it off,” Graham said looking at them both. Ell could tell he was looking for an answer. Looking for the reason why he’d found Ell with Damon’s arm around her. Practically the only two people in the garden. Ell remained silent, praying Damon would come up with something. After all, he was the one who’d committed the crime. Right?

“Ell’s great, Gra. Quite a girl you’ve got.” Graham studied Damon’s face for a moment. His eyes were glazed, obviously drunk but still coherent. Ell wanted nothing more than to kiss him. To reassure him she loved him. To calm his nerves and his brain that she was sure was working in overdrive. But quicker than she expected, she saw the fight, the anger leave his eyes abruptly and a thousand goosebumps covered her skin at once.

“I missed you.” It was all she could think of right now as she closed the gap between them and grabbed his hand. Graham looked at her, processing. “Did you miss me?” She leaned in and kissed him softly, lingering there, feeling his tense lips relax under hers. Slowly, she opened her mouth and kissed him deeper, feeling Graham’s hand find her face, resting his fingers around her jaw and behind her ear. She remembered why she loved drunk Graham. He was rougher than normal, more needy, and definitely more protective. This is what her heart needed; what her brain needed to clear the fog. It cleared away any doubts that had shown their face in the past hour. She loved him. She loved him. She loved him. Graham sighed softly before pulling away.

“Jesus.” It had done the trick. Graham looked like a kid in a candy store when his eyes met hers, flushed cheeks and a toothy grin. “You’re not leaving my sight again.”

“Ok,” Ell said softly, grinning at him. She looked to Damon still smiling. Had she put on a show for him as well as Graham? Yes. Did she feel bad? Not a bit. Especially since he’d probably move onto something else in a matter of minutes. He wouldn’t care about it by the end of the night and Ell preferred it that way.

“Ah young love,” he said shortly, laughing. Graham chuckled and moved to punch Damon. He swung and missed, instead being pulled down in a half hug half tackle.

“Dames! Urrgh— gerroff me!” The two boys wrapped arms around each other, struggling for dominance. Graham fell into a fit of laughter when Damon poked at his sides. “DAMES, PLEASE.” Ell watched with an incredulous look. After a final poke, Damon let go of him, backing off and wearing a familiar smug expression. Graham straightened his shirt. “You know I’m ticklish… that’s not fair.”

“All’s fair in love and war, Gra.” Damon smiled, looking quite happy with himself. Blue met green again and he winked one final time before sauntering off towards the house.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This is the last chapter before things start to get ... a bit out of hand so to speak. It should be pretty fun to write the rest of the story and I'm really excited to get into the nitty gritty. Also, I recognize that the dates of the She's So High release as well as the release of Leisure in this fic aren't the actual release dates so forgive me. I know it's inconsistent but it'll all line up soon enough. I hope you're liking the story so far! It would mean a lot if you'd bookmark it. Thanks for reading and have a good day :^)

Waking up the next morning was a challenge. Ell blinked slowly. The light from the window streamed into the room, throwing long lines of sun across Graham’s bed. She turned to him. He was still asleep, breathing deeply with his bowed lips pouted softly. In times like this, Ell liked to take time and admire just how beautiful Graham was. If she were being honest with herself, his lips were her favorite thing about him. They curved slowly downwards, youthful like a child. She liked how they were rarely ever pressed into a thin line like Alex. Or Damon for that matter. She let her eyes travel slowly up the contours of his face. His cheeks, thin and gaunt, almost ghostly if the right light landed on them. High and thin cheekbones protruded from his face, a constant reminder of just how thin Graham was. Finally, she found his eyes. If he didn’t crack as many off-kilter jokes, one would think he was chronically depressed because of how sad they made him look. The sunken sockets resting there were dark. Lovely and large like a puppy. 

Ell rolled over. On the ground, Alex and Viv laid sprawled out practically naked. It didn’t surprise her anymore. Come to think of it, it never used to surprise her anyway. The start of the term seemed like forever ago; one foggy dream filled with assignments, kisses, nights in the garden, late night practice sessions, painting, and alcohol. Lots of alcohol. Ell sometimes thought that without it, none of her friends could survive. Alex almost always had a beer in hand, Viv spent most of her money on vodka, and Graham needed it to function on nights out. 

Suddenly, Ell felt her head split open in pain. Last night had done none of them any favors. Before she had time to get out of bed, get to the kitchen, and pop two aspirin, she was reminded of Damon. His jeans were thrown across the couch as if someone had carelessly tossed them aside. Ell’s stomach lurched. Was he here? 

“Morning then.” Oh god. No. Her mind froze, looking for the face to match the voice and quicker than she hoped, she found it. Damon laid on the ground in just his boxers. Ell had to use every ounce of willpower she had to not look at them. It took her a moment to realize she too was wearing only in a t-shirt and underwear. 

“I — hi. Hold on.” She darted back to Graham’s room, forgetting the aspirin on the counter. 

“Ell?” Graham sat up, rubbing his eyes with the back of his palms. 

“Hi.” Ell steadied her voice and stretched her face into a tired smile. “You look—” 

“I know. I feel like shit.” He looked at her lazily and then down to Alex and Viv, smiling. “Were we too drunk to notice that?” He pointed to the bodies on the floor. 

“I can’t really remember how last night ended to be honest with you.” Ell sat back down next to Graham nonchalantly. If it weren’t for his obliviousness, or how he hadn’t fully woken up yet, Graham would’ve noticed how nervy she was. As the night went on, Ell made it a point to stick by his side and not look at Damon. Her brain cursed itself. She had to admit to herself that she was attracted to him but she wasn’t ready to let that thought become concrete. Not yet.

“Well at least they had fun.” Graham yawned and stood from the bed. “Aspirin?” Ell nodded and pulled the covers back over her. 

Once he had left the room, Ell instantly felt guilty. After Graham had found Damon and Ell, the night had turned to fuzz. For the rest of the night, all she cared about was getting them both as drunk as possible so that he wouldn’t find the time to ask her about Damon. Ell sighed loudly and furrowed her brows. Fuck. Why was she overthinking this? She loved Graham. More than anything in the world. Damon could never change that.

“Damon says he just saw you?” Graham approached the bed with a handful of white pills in one hand and a glass of water in the other.

“I was going to get aspirin and he spooked me. I was in my underwear.” She laughed and swallowed the pills quickly. “I kind of ran out before I properly said hello.”

“Ah yeah. I forgot to mention he was staying over. He’s only here for today anyway.” Ell nodded and felt the air grow thick. She knew what was coming. “Erm— I kind of wanted to ask you something.” 

“Yeah?” 

Graham hesitated before speaking. “Last night. Damon had his arm around you.”

“Yeah I—” 

“Did he try anything?” His eyes lowered. “Because if he did…”

“No, Graham. No.” Ell looked him dead in the eyes. Sad and beautiful brown. “He just put his arm around me and I didn’t know what to do.” 

“How long?”

“What?”

“How long did he have his arm around you?” Graham’s brows crowded his eyes seriously. Ell knew he was upset, it didn’t take a genius to figure that out. 

“It couldn’t have ben more than a minute. I was already pretty drunk.” She saw his face release the tension. He nodded and swallowed the aspirin. 

“Leave it to Damon to take everything he can,” he mumbled.

“I was looking for yo— wait what?”

Graham’s posture was slouched and he laid back down. “What?”

“Damon takes everything?” Graham laughed evilly to himself as he twisted sections of hair with slender fingers.

“I’m just used to him taking things away from me. Things that I like and that.” He looked to Ell and noticed her frustrated expression. “It doesn’t mean anything, Ell.” It was now her turn to nod and end the conversation so she did and laid back down next to him. They laid together in silence for a long while, the only sounds coming from the front room. Ell’s breathing fell into rhythm with Graham’s. Everything seemed to be normal once again and she finally began to let go of the anxiety from the previous night. Things were going to be fine. Graham’s fingers slid across her hip lazily. Up and down, up and down. 

“Do you still want to be with me?” The question caught Ell off guard. She peered up to Graham. 

“What? Why wouldn’t I?”

“Answer the question please.” As she surveyed his face, Graham looked up to the ceiling blankly and waited for her response. Ell kissed his cheek softly.

“Of course I do.” After a moment, he looked down to her with a meek look on his face. “I promise, G. Always.” His full lips curved into a grin sending the butterflies in Ell’s stomach into a frenzy. He looked gorgeous. Beautiful in the dark bedroom. She remembered Damon’s face and how it warped and shifted the entire night from boy to girl and back a thousand times over. Ell smiled to Graham and laughed softly as she kissed pink lips. She much preferred his looks. Dark and lovely like caramel.

Soft kisses quickly escalated into hands and fingers and hair. Graham pushed himself against her, his sharp thin hips jerking upwards under the covers. Ell’s breathing shallowed when she felt him against her thigh, warm and breathless. She moved her hand from his neck, down down past his collarbone, his chest, his stomach, the last making his voice go up an octave.

“Ell.” He laughed at the sound of his own desperation. “Shut up.” Ell kissed his lips which had become tender and red. Her fingers grazed over the space between his legs, slowly stroking him, the fabric already tight against his cock. Graham held back a moan and his eyes immediately fluttered open. Ell felt his hand on hers. 

“Wait. Alex and Viv.” He looked down at them nervously. “We can’t.” 

“Or,” Ell whispered, stroking him again, “you could just keep quiet.” 

“That’ll work.” Graham doubtfully chuckled. She continued, ignoring him and kissing his neck. “Ell,” Graham breathed. “They’ll—”

“Don’t think about them.” Hearing his feeble attempt at holding back moans made her ever more determined. “Just…” she slipped her hand into his underwear, “keep…” soft gentle strokes, one right after the other, “quiet.” Graham shivered under her touch, his hips once again jerking up instinctively. Ell felt his body tighten up when she quickened the pace. 

“What if Damon—”

“Graham.” Ell stopped, her hand still wrapped around him. “You wanna talk about Damon right now?” she asked incredulously. Graham bit his lips, smiling. 

“Ok nevermind.” He leant up and kissed her, pulling her closer and sucking on her bottom lip. Ell moaned gently. He knew it was her weakness and used it as often as he could. “You’re beautiful, Stella,” Graham breathed when she pulled away. 

“You’re lovely.” Her eyes hung low with lust as she rolled her fingers around him slowly. She saw his face flash a frustrated smile. 

“Ell…” Graham’s voice rested between nervous and unconcerned. She could tell he was weary of the other two practically lifeless bodies in the room but Ell was not. She knew them well enough to predict they’d stay asleep for at least a couple more hours. Her lips met with Graham’s again to stop them from talking. 

“Keep quiet ok?” His eyes were glazed over, needy and desperate to get off. After last night, Ell wanted to make it up to him. “Bite your lips.” 

“You always tell me not to.” 

“Graham…” she said seriously. “Just shut up.” The last thing she saw before ducking under the covers were his nervous eyes. Still brown and beautiful even if they were filled with anxiety. She slid down to his waist, smiling at a very obviously desperate Graham. She stroked him softly still hearing his soft moans above her. Ell took a moment to admire him. She did this often. He was all lean muscle, frail hips, sharp bones, and pale skin. A thin layer of sweat covered his chest and stomach. She grazed her fingertips over his hips. Slowly they traveled down, fingernails lightly scratching skin. Down down down to his cock, hot and hard. Ell kissed the tip and felt his knees lock. A faint knock or click sounded from somewhere outside the duvet. Choosing to ignore it and pretend it was just another creak of the flat, Ell took Graham in her mouth, encompassing him with the warmth and wetness of her mouth.

“Go—” she heard him speak. Ell lifted her head. 

“Graham?” There was a pause. Silence, no response. Another soft creak. She poked her head out from under the duvet, met with anxious brown. 

“Sorry, I—” Graham’s face looked mortified as if he’d seen a ghost. His pupils dashed from her face to the door and then to Alex and Viv. “I thought I— I thought I heard something.” Ell kissed his open mouth deeply. 

“Can you calm down for a second? They’re asleep.” Ell looked over her shoulder towards them. 

“No!” Graham almost shouted. 

“What the hell?” Ell looked to him with furrowed brows. “Do you want me to suck your dick or not?” Another click or knock from the hall. Before she had the time to turn to check for herself, Graham held her face in his hands almost too roughly. 

“Sorry.” His eyes were wide and when he noticed Ell still suspicious, he softened them. 

“Jesus, Gra. Just calm down ok?” He looked at her and nodded, cheeks red with blush. She disappeared under the covers for the second time. To her amazement, Graham was even harder than before, his cock throbbing and pulsing red. Ell took him back in her mouth and swirled her tongue around him slowly. 

“Oh fuck,” he moaned louder than he should’ve. Ell hummed slowly, something she knew he loved. “Yeah suck my cock,” Graham growled. To say she was taken aback was an understatement. Graham never indulged in dirty talk but Ell decided to roll with it. She sucked the tip of his cock, drawing it out as long as she possibly could. 

“I’m close,” Graham warned. His hands found her head and he threaded his fingers through her hair. “I— fuck— I’m—” Ell used her hand to caress him as she swallowed nearly all of him to the back of her throat. She heard Graham moan something inaudible as his hips jerked in ecstasy. He let out a final throaty moan, one even Ell thought a bit too loud for being five feet away from two sleeping friends. As Graham came, she gripped his hips and felt his entire body vibrate. He came hard down her throat, Ell swallowing it all. 

Kissing his hips, she slipped the duvet over her head and saw a sweaty and panting Graham. His eyes hung lazily in pure bliss, a dumbfounded smile plastered on his face. Ell laid back down next to him and closed her eyes. A thud and something that sounded like footsteps sounded from the hallway.

“Ok I heard that one. Was the door jus—”

“S’alright,” Graham smirked to himself. “It’s just the flat.” He kissed her head and pulled her closer. “I love you.” Ell looked at the door once more before relaxing into his arms. 

“I love you too.”

-

Later that afternoon they emerged from Graham’s bedroom to find Damon gone. Even his spot on the floor was cleaned up as if he was never there in the first place. 

“So he doesn’t do goodbyes?” Ell looked at Graham who stood in the kitchen leaning against the counter with a burnt piece of toast in hand. 

“He’s not very good at them.” He bit into the toast, chewing silently. “Typical.” Ell traced the previous night back, starting from her first sip of beer to the eventual black out that topped the evening off. She could’ve sworn Damon was half decent and at least courteous enough to say a short goodbye. Maybe it had been the alcohol in her system; a cruel trick of the mind revolving around warm beer and raised heart rates. All quite suddenly, her nose wrinkled up, face grimacing in disappointment. Damon, or rather the idea of him, wasn’t all that spectacular. Ell first felt like laughing. She wanted to crack some sort of joke to make it all better. But she didn’t and soon, she felt the urge to track him down, however far he’d managed to get by now, and tell him off. But she didn’t. It wasn’t her place. She’d only just met the guy. 

“Morning lovebirds,” Alex hummed, walking into the kitchen and opening the fridge. “Dames gone already?”

“Course.” Graham replied. Alex poured himself a glass of orange juice. 

“Probably scared off from all the noise you two were making.” Ell felt crimson red creep across her cheeks. Graham’s face flushed pink. “Yeeeeaaaah,” Alex laughed low, downing the juice in one go. 

“You were asleep,” Graham justified to himself. “You—”

“Oh Ell. Oh fuck. I’m close— OOOOOHHH.” Alex mocked Graham, pitching his voice several octaves higher than necessary. 

“Oh fuck off. I wasn’t that loud.” Graham said defeatedly. “Beats waking up naked on the floor of your own flat.” Alex paused to soak in the counter insult. He nodded. 

“Yeah fair point, Gra. To be fair, I’d kill for morning head.” 

“God, Alex.” Viv appeared behind Ell. The makeup from the night before was still smudged across her eyelids. She took the cup from Alex’s grip and held it up. He poured, smirking. “You can just ask.” Ell looked to Graham and rolled her eyes. It reminded her of their sickeningly sweet flirting the first night of term. 

“Will you give me morning head then?” Alex batted his long lashes and flicked his dark hair out of his eyes. It was a common move he pulled to get his way, use the good looks and charming wit to slither his way into anything he desired. Viv sipped on the juice, looking up to him. 

“It’s the afternoon, babe. But good try.” She patted his cheek twice and fled the room. Graham chuckled to himself, putting the bread back in the cabinet. Ell’s eyes darted from Graham to Alex who was obviously thrown off. She bit her lip to hide a smile but couldn’t help herself as a laugh came out accidentally when she saw Graham’s expression. He stepped closer to Alex, the two boys now eye to eye. 

“Don’t worry. I still love you,” he stopped just an inch away from Alex’s face, “babe.” Alex narrowed his eyes and a smile warmed on his face. 

“Oh Gra, you truly are beautiful.” He spoke in a singsongy, sarcastic tone and leant forward to kiss Graham quickly on the mouth, only pulling away after a beat to look at Ell. All she could manage was a wide eyed look, mouth slightly parted in amazement. 

“Fuck off!” Graham exclaimed, pushing Alex against the counter. But Ell saw a smile crack from under his frown. Alex smirked and licked his lips. 

“Fucking calm down, Gra. I know you love it.” He chuckled darkly, very proud of the scene he’d started. A slick wink was shot from his dark eyes to Graham who now stood in the middle of the kitchen looking apprehensive. 

“Tart,” he mumbled under his breath, looking from Alex to Ell. 

“You’re one to talk,” Alex almost spat. Ell saw it only for a moment. Graham’s face flashed into fright and then almost as quickly as it happened, back to the same annoyance it held before. He flipped Alex the bird before rolling his eyes curtly to Ell. 

“You’ve made me cheat on Ell you arsehole.” He grabbed her hand and locked his fingers with hers. “Can you at least go get dressed? Damon booked us in the studio today if you remember.” 

“Yes sir.” Alex winked a final time at Ell before heading for the bedroom. Graham kissed her cheek softly but all Ell could get from it was an unspoken ‘Sorry I didn’t want him to kiss me and it’s not a big deal I promise. Don’t think too much about it. Please don’t ask about it. And uh, do you still love me?’ Graham was filled with insecurities these days. Ell turned and kissed him. Just as she was about to speak, he changed the subject.

“Come with us.” 

 

The studio was small and smelt of old wood but it was like a castle to Graham, Alex, Damon, and Dave. Ell sat herself next to Graham and watched as he tuned his guitar. So many cold afternoons had started the same way. On the couch or sitting on the floor, Ell bringing her bass over and playing with him, warm, familiar, comfortable. There was a sort of beauty in how natural it felt to be with Graham. Nothing had ever felt easier.

“Morning Gra,” Damon stood above them, eyes tired. “Ell.” He smiled at her. “Sleep alright I hope?” She nodded. 

“Yeah.” Damon looked rather rough today, his dusty blond hair needed a wash and his clothes hung from his shoulders loosely. “You? How was the floor?”

Damon laughed, standing opposite them. “Eh well, not my worst night. Sure would’ve loved to share the bed with you two. I imagine we could’ve squeezed.” Graham scoffed under his breath and strummed twice. 

“You wish, Dames,” he said plainly. 

“I sure do.” He chuckled softly when Graham shot him an annoyed glance. 

“Don’t you need to warm up your voice? Gargle some honey or some shite?” He stood up, a few inches taller than Damon. Ell found her eyes darting between them. 

“Good one, arsehole.” He made a face, somehow still managing to look handsome, and made his way for the corner of the room where a few record label executives sat in a circle talking. Ell still had a bad taste in her mouth when it came to Damon. Just seeing him grin in front of her made her body buzz with annoyance. She didn’t know what it was about him or what he gave off that bothered her so much, but it was there; a weird mix of annoyance and intrigue. 

Ell watched as Alex stood near the window, blowing smoke from his always present cigarette out into the city air. The studio was in London, wedged between a curry house and a rundown twenty-four hour supermarket and had taken Alex, Graham, and Ell a rough thirty minutes to travel to. The talk of the morning had revolved around recording Blur’s new single and hopefully an eventual good review. They needed it at this point. Months back, Graham had gushed over writing new songs and having the chance to play them live in small clubs. ‘Just like last summer’ he’d say with a smile. With the term coming to a close, Ell knew the band would use every possible second to work on the record. A record that didn’t have a title yet, had a scarce two songs on it, and wasn’t being written about anywhere. But for some reason, Food Records was confident in Blur and finally coming in to record made it all feel real for them. Ell could tell Graham was bursting with excitement. 

The song was actually good. Not having seen Blur perform live, Ell was surprised at how well they all played together. Graham had talked and talked about the summer when they played four shows a week and now she could see why people turned up. Blur were good. Really good. She went back to campus, more motivated than she’d been in a while. 

“Emilia? Hey. Practice at 9?”   
“Viv, bring the lyric notebook. I wanna start planning gigs.”

Although they had finals the next few days, Cherry spent three of their best hours in the basement of the Music Building that night. Things were really starting to come together. Ell felt excited, like nothing else mattered but writing these songs and booking gigs in town. 

Over the next week, finals had been taken and her first term at Goldsmith’s was over. She had a good feeling. 

TWO MONTHS LATER

“GUYS! COME HERE!” Emilia called out as she closed the door of the flat behind her. The three girls had moved in together and had therefore been working nonstop on writing for Cherry. Viv and Ell came out from their bedrooms, Viv looking rather upset her sleep had been interrupted. 

“This better be good, Em.” 

“Oh, it’s fucking good.” Emilia slapped a piece of paper down on the counter, beaming at them. “We’re playing Roscoe’s. Friday and Saturday!” Ell grabbed the paper, reading it slowly, processing. 

“Oh my god. What the fuck.” Everything was finally happening. All their work and every lost hour of sleep was suddenly worth it. Viv’s demeanor immediately changed.  
“WHAT!” 

“Bobby did it!” Emilia’s freckled face flushed with happiness.

“I knew I liked him for a reason,” Viv said. “You’ve gotta date him forever now, Em.” 

“If he fucking gets us gigs then fine.” Ell smiled, desperately wanting to call Graham. Both of them had been busy and barely saw each other these days. They were lucky if they got one day together. When term ended, they spent every day together and enjoyed the time they had left before Ell moved out and Graham moved into the city with Damon and Alex. During that time, things between him, Ell and Damon had dissolved, a rather unexpected friendship blossoming. Graham seemed happy to share his best mate with her, Ell happy she got to be with both of them. Usually at night, right before bed, her brain work extra hard and tell her that fancying both was wrong. But no one had to know, and besides she was dating Graham. She just liked them for different reasons. 

Blur’s record was still coming along, the first single, She's So High, already released with mixed reviews. From what she heard from Graham, Food wasn’t happy with a lot of Damon’s lyrics and had rejected nearly 70% of everything they wrote. Ell knew they were close to being dropped. To her surprise, Damon had stopped by last week and they had actually gotten along. Over the months, her annoyance with him had faded and when he came over, she found she quite liked his company. Even if Graham hadn’t come out to Goldsmith’s, she’d take Damon and his endless conversation. She was so focused on Cherry these days that talking about something else for a couple hours was needed. 

Viv broke Ell from her thoughts. “Jesus, Ell. Go call Graham. I know that’s what you’re thinking about.” Ell rolled her eyes and bit her lip to tone down the smile on her face. 

“Shh ok, one minute.” She ran to her room and took the phone off the wall, dialing the boys’ flat number. One ring.

“Hello?” A familiar deep voice.

“Damon, is Graham there?”

“Course. What’s wrong? You sound frantic.”

“No no nothing I just need to tell him something!” Ell wished he would hand the phone to Graham already. But in typical Damon fashion, he persisted. 

“Oh go on.”

“I have to tell him first, Damon.” 

“It can be our secret, Ell.” His tone became hushed. Ell’s stomach rolled. 

“Uh, no. Damon come on.” After a stretch of silence he spoke. 

“Ok.” He sounded wounded but she had no time to feel bad. Damon called for Graham, a pause, and finally a passing of the phone. 

“Ell?”

“Hi! I miss you.” The sentence came out automatically and she felt her stomach drop. She really did miss him. It had been a couple weeks since they had last seen each other in person, usually talking for as long as they could manage on the phone. Even the sound of his voice made her heart seemingly stretch and burn with longing. 

“I miss you too. Erm— if you’re calling because I didn’t come over with Dames last week, I can—”

“No, no, that’s not why I’m calling. I have good news!” She hesitated before continuing on. Ell knew things with Blur were slow and calling him excitedly to tell him good news on her end would maim his confidence. If she knew one thing about Graham, it was that he needed reassurance on everything. Constantly. 

“Actually, I have something to tell you too.” She was surprised by the tone of his voice. Rather than sad and discouraged like he was a few weeks prior, he sounded genuinely happy. 

“Ok you first.” She waited. And waited. “Graham?”

“Hi, yeah. It’s good… but also bad.” 

“Ok…”

“I wanted to tell you in person. I’m gonna come down on Friday if that’s alright.”

“Gra, what is it?” Ell’s stomach tightened with nerves. 

“We’re going on tour. In the US. Through November.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a bit all over the place so I apologize for that. Say goodbye to the simple life at Goldsmith's! Sadness and angst is in store ;) As always, thanks for taking time out of your life to read this. It means a lot!

Graham wasn’t coming back to Goldsmith’s. Ell repeated it to herself over and over again. He’s not coming back. Nothing was going to be the same. Recently, when she laid on her bed, fingers callused, missing him but knowing he was in the studio, Ell found herself thinking about how she’d soon get to lie in Graham’s bed again. How they could walk the campus holding hands, make snide remarks behind Alex and Viv’s back, wake up together, play record after record until the night turned to morning. And now she stood in her room staring at the phone and completely unsure of what to do. She felt the pit of her stomach turn. She was happy for him, of course she was, but deep down, perhaps trying to stay hidden and repressed, Ell felt scared. When she had told him Cherry’s good news, Graham was ecstatic. 

“Ell that’s wonderful! I’ll come down to see you. Both nights. Dames will want to come along as well… if that’s alright.” His voice was elevated, genuinely happy. But when she hung up, things felt like they were shifting already. Blur was set to tour at the start of March, just 1 week away. Too close. Ell had meant to visit Graham more. She kept promising herself that as soon as this song was done, as soon as they got those lyrics down, she would drive to London and spend time with the one person who had made her feel safe. And now there was a time limit. A countdown of seven days. 

FRIDAY

Ell packed her bass and amp into the car, nerves high. The three girls stuffed every piece of equipment they owned which only turned out to be a trunkful into the car, granted they didn’t need much to play anyway. Cherry was only given a three day warning when they were booked. It was a good thing they had a nice handful of songs already written and fully rehearsed, otherwise they would’ve been screwed. 

“Ok I think that’s it.” Emilia stowed away her last cymbal and shut the boot of the car. “Shots?”

“I’m driving,” Ell said. 

“Oh shut up, it’s a shot.” Viv winked and pulled her out of the cold and back inside. They held three shot glasses in the air. 

“To good luck.” Minutes later, there was a knock at the door. Ell rushed down the hall and pulled it open excitedly, throwing her arms around Graham. His body moved against hers, carrying her back over the threshold and inside. In the midst of hello’s and kisses, Damon’s face read excited and fell immediately to nothing. Static. Ell caught a glimpse of it when Graham bit at her neck playfully. It made her stomach hurt. 

“Gra, please.” She held his face, kissing him again. “Woah, you look thin.” 

“I’m ok.” His eyes softened. It reminded Ell of nights at Goldsmith’s where she and Graham had snuck away, locked the door of some odd room of some odd apartment, and couldn’t keep their hands off each other until at least one of them got off. His face has changed, thinner, even thinner than before. But she wasn’t frightened by it, rather, she saw the prominent sharp cheek bones and wanted nothing more but to escape again. To just have it off quickly so she could remember what it felt like again. What his thin, pale, and intoxicating frame felt like against hers. She hadn’t realized how much she missed having him at her disposal all the time. And now, with him right in front of her, she saw it in his eyes too. He wanted the same thing. She remembered the look he had right before he would pin her down and fuck her senseless. When she would have to cover her mouth and choke down desperate moans of pleasure. When all she could see were stars and a pair of brown eyes above her. And he wore his need proudly on his face.

“You look amazing.” Ell felt her face break into an embarrassing smile. She’d forgotten how woozy she got when Graham was like this. He leant close to her ear. “You look fucking sexy.” A strangled and frustrated breath escaped her throat. She collected herself, pulling away from him. 

“Well hi,” Damon said, nodding to her. It was nonchalant, almost bitterly so. He passed through the hall and towards the kitchen, probably to start drinking something, anything, as soon as humanly possible. His passive hello felt like a subtle ‘fuck you’, one she didn’t know if she actually deserved. She just wanted to think about Graham right now but all she could do was frown in the direction Damon had gone; disappearing around the corner silently. 

“Did I deserve that?”

“Don’t mind him. He’s been a miserable bastard all day. I don’t know what’s crawled up his arse.” Graham smiled at her and moved to block her view of the kitchen. “Forget him. Let’s go upstairs. Show me around?” She saw the lustful look swimming in his eyes. It brought her right back, her attention fully taken by Graham. 

“Quickly,” she whispered. She pulled him up the stairs, almost dragging him behind her and shut her bedroom door tightly once they were both inside. Sex with Graham was simple. He bit at her neck as his cold hands fumbled across her stomach, searching for the hem of her shirt. Ell lifted her hands up and let him slide it off her swiftly. Every time, they had done the same thing, like clockwork. She dropped to her knees and made quick progress in undoing his belt. The same faded belt he wore the entirety of last semester. 

Graham grabbed at the bottom of his t-shirt and pulled it up over his head, letting it fall to the ground beside her bed. 

“Your room is nice,” he mused softly. Ell looked up at him and laughed, watching his eyes genuinely studying the posters and objects cluttering the small space. Before he could look down at her with a smile, she kissed his already hard erection over his underwear and felt the dampness of pre-cum that had no doubt formed on his way over. The image of Graham adjusting himself to hide his boner, sitting next to Damon, cramped in a car only fueled Ell’s desire. She kissed him again, hearing an encouraging moan from above. 

“Fuck,” Graham breathed, his hands clumsily twisting through her hair. “You can’t just…” he paused, eyes crossing, “do that.” Ell wanted to tease him forever, to bring him right to the edge without even taking him in her mouth. But she knew the others were aware of what they were doing. And making them all late to the gig would only dampen their spirits. 

Ell moved her hand over him slowly as she pulled his underwear down. Graham’s cock sprung free of the fabric, bright red and practically bursting. 

“Fuck,” she laughed to herself. Without hesitating, she licked at him playfully and heard Graham yelp. His hips bucked forward instantly.  
“Ell…” he begged. She looked up at him, smiling devilishly and kissing the base of his cock. 

“Mhmm?” She worked her way up slowly, kissing and licking him, hearing his breathing go ragged. 

“Come on.” Ell’s tongue trailed slowly up his cock, agonizingly slow. She saw Graham’s eyes squint in anticipation and almost felt bad for teasing him. With one last kiss, she swirled her tongue around him and took him all in. It was all too much for Graham. He practically fell over. 

“Oh god, ok come here.” They fumbled over towards Ell’s bed. She pushed him down and crawled on top of him. Graham had only now noticed that she was completely naked, blush inflaming his face. “Fucking hell.” He blinked, biting at his lip furiously. Ell knew it was too much for him already, seeing his cock twitch. 

“Forget that,” she whispered, leaving a trail of kisses up his chest. “Fuck me.” Graham was so turned on, his eyes dissolved to huge white discs. He lifted his arms and wrapped them around Ell, pulling her closer. 

“You want me to fuck you?” He growled. She nodded, smiling. “With our friends downstairs?” Another nod. “You’re sure you’ll be able to keep quiet? Hold it all in?” Graham was practically manic now, an animalistic need taking over him. “I want you to say my name.” Ell was finished with dirty talk. All she wanted was a good fuck already and with Graham here, she needed it now. She laid down beside him and pulled him so he was now above her, hovering over her. His face flashed with lust. Graham’s fingers trailed from her face over her nipples, down her stomach, and just close enough to…. oh fuck. Ell moaned. 

“Stop teasing, Gra. Jesus.” He slipped two fingers inside her in one go, taking Ell by surprise. “Oh fuck.” She grabbed at his chest, at anything she could. “Fuck me.” Obeying orders, he slid a condom onto himself, leveraging his body just right and then… pleasure split Ell in two when Graham pushed inside her. Her eyes lost vision and the world seemed to slip away from under her. It had been 1 month and 27 days since they had slept together and Ell could feel each one of those days disappearing at once. He pushed himself deeper, moaning quiet obscenities to himself. 

“Fucking Christ.” Graham fucked her slowly at first, letting them both drown in the sensation for a while before he thrust quicker. Harder. “I’m not gonna last long.” 

“I know.” Ell had seen how hard he was before she even had the chance to touch his dick. The feeling of having Graham inside her again made her brain go fuzzy. The feeling of his perpetually cold fingers on the delicate skin of her stomach. The feeling of his lips, chapped and warm, connecting with hers. It all made it hard for Ell to think of anything at all. She concentrated on the sound of Graham’s breathing. It was shallow, and she knew he would come soon. She just wished she could live in this moment a little longer. 

“Ell, I’m gonna come.” 

“I know.” She said. And before a second could pass, Graham came hard, his hips bucking violently against hers. They jerked forward and he let out a low guttural moan. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuuuuuuck,” he breathed. Ell smiled against his cheek, kissing it gently. 

“I love you.” Her voice was quiet and as Graham came back down to earth, he looked down at her. 

“You didn’t come.” His voice was almost surprised, as if he seemed like he actually cared. But Ell was not surprised and she knew he didn’t. 

“It’s ok, really.” And it really was ok for her. Sex with Graham was simple, enjoyable at best but she rarely ever got off. The routine was seemingly set in stone; blowjob, fingering, five minutes of fucking, Graham gets to come. Again and again since they started dating. And it didn’t particularly bother Ell, but there were times she wished he would care. Or at least care for more than fifteen seconds after they were finished. 

“You sure?”

“I’m sure,” she lied. He looked at her, brown eyes relaxing and finally content. Their lips met again lazily moving against each other for a couple minutes, Graham’s arms wrapped around her waist. 

“We should probably go downstairs.” They dressed quickly and walked down the stairs. Ell couldn’t help but feel odd, knowing her expression looked guilty and embarrassed. Probably red and a bit sweaty as well. She was certain the others knew where they’d been and what they had been doing. But at the same time, it was predictable, even expected. 

“There you two are. We’re making a toast before we leave. Come on.” Emilia handed them each a shot glass filled with what looked like whiskey. Ell held Graham’s hand tightly and smiled in that post-coital way. It was only after they all downed the shot that she noticed Damon looking straight at her from the other side of the kitchen. He leant up against the stove, stony and blank. 

“You alright, Damon?” Ell asked. After his brief and cold hello, she was curious as to why he was in a mood. He nodded, setting the shot glass on the counter. 

“I’m wonderful, Stella. Thanks for asking.” He cocked his head and grinned with squinted eyes, a sure sign that he clearly wasn’t alright. There was a fleeting moment where Damon looked like he wanted to say something else but if on purpose or out of caution, he held it in. 

“Good then.” Ell blinked, keeping eye contact with him. She wasn’t going to lose. Viv and Emilia eyed each other from opposite corners of the kitchen. Ell felt Graham’s eyes on her. He coughed.

“Uh— ok. We should go. Ell you’re still driving us right?” Ell broke Damon’s stare and saw Emilia looking at her, laughing, already buzzed and happy. 

“Yep! Let’s go.” She saw Damon pour himself another shot and watched as he threw it back easily. As they all got their coats on, Graham wrapped his arms around her waist, kissing her neck. “Gra! Come on!” Ell pushed him off her, giggling. Damon pushed past them and stepped into the cold, lighting up a fag with ease and blowing the smoke into the air. Graham laughed. 

“Alright, Dames?” He looked towards them, smiling. Good. He had dropped his attitude.  
“Lovely. Come on then, lovebirds. Don’t want to be late…” he looked at Ell, “to our own gig.” She rolled her eyes. 

“What’s up your arse? Not even saying a proper hello.” Graham skillfully slipped a cig from Damon’s pocket and stuck his lips out, waiting for Damon to light it. He obliged, flicking the lighter and burning the cherry. 

“Didn’t want to get in the way of your little reunion is all.” He puffed on his cig again. “And if I had anything up my arse, I wouldn’t let you in on it.” He winked, threw the cig towards the ground, and slid into the car leaving Ell once again, rolling her eyes. 

“Isn’t he just delightful tonight?” Graham said tossing his half smoked cigarette to the ground. 

“Lovely.” Ell shut the car door and sped off towards London. It was a quick drive, shorter than they all expected and suddenly they were on in ten. Ell didn’t know if it was the alcohol or the blatant disregard for time that sped things up but she was shaking. Nervous.

Graham had already filled his stomach with three beers once they got to the venue and snuck off to find a spot in the crowd. Ell cursed him under her breath. If anyone were to disappear suddenly it was always, without fail Graham Coxon. She stood side stage watching the act before; some sort of heavy metal group by the name of YETI.

“Hey.” Ell jumped and turned to see Damon’s face hidden by shadow. He smiled meekly. “Sorry.” 

“S’alright. Shouldn't you be off babysitting Graham?” Damon waved his hand.

“I’m sure he can take care of himself for a couple minutes. But uh—” his face strained, brows knitting together in a struggle, “sorry for earlier. I’ve just been feeling a bit weird about touring.” Ell thought it quite strange Damon decided to get deep with her right now. In a moment like this. Minutes before she had to play. But looking at his face, she could tell he was really struggling with something. Possibly something only Damon knew at this point. 

“I’m sorry. It’s scary— I can imagine.” He looked at her and laughed. 

“God, sorry. I shouldn’t be bothering you with this right now. But um, before we’re too drunk, later I mean, I wanted to—” Damon wrung his hands together in a way that made Ell quite nervous. He was never this nervy. He was Damon, always confident Damon who could come up with a comeback in mere seconds. Who didn’t need to explain himself, didn’t need reasons as to why he acted the way he did. But right now his bizarre demeanor alarmed her. 

“I wanted to say a proper goodbye. Before tour and all. I can’t make the gig tomorrow night and I probably won’t see you before Monday.” Ell’s face remained blank as she nodded, confused.

“Right, Damon. I mean you’re not leaving now right? You are staying for the show yes?”

“Yea of course yea. I just wanted to say goodbye I guess.” He took a step backward and laughed at himself. He must’ve noticed how vulnerable he was being Ell thought. “Sorry, never mind anyway. Good luck out there.” Ell regarded Damon carefully with cautious eyes. His shining face and squeaky clean blue eyes came off comical under the flickering fluorescent light. Damon was a human who was stunning beautiful, drop dead gorgeous. He was outgoing and extremely annoying at times and yet he was completely closed off when it came to his innermost feelings. It was like his personal defense mechanism. Don’t let them know how you really feel. Charm them, make them laugh. At least that’s what Ell thought anyway. Maybe she was reading him wrong. A look of regret dashed over his face. Ell saw it and felt as if she’d caught him being genuine for the first time in his life. The band onstage crashed into the end of their song, startling Damon. He tripped backwards on her bass case and smacked his back against the wall.

“Jesus!” Ell laughed quietly and reached for his hand to pull him upright. “You’re all nervous, it’s weird.” Damon leant up against the wall, clutching at his back. 

“You’ll miss me when I’m gone.” He pointed at her, raising his eyebrows and grinning. 

“Oh will I?”

“Most definitely.” He looked at her with a fleeting look, one that verged on desperation. But Ell had caught on as soon as she saw him that night. He was keeping something from her, from Graham, from someone. But it wasn’t her business and she certainly didn’t have time to entertain the topic. 

“Well goodbye then. Even though you don’t leave for two days.” Ell’s sarcastic tone punched the air sharply. Damon shook his head and pulled another cig from his pocket. 

“I was being nice alright.” Smoke clouded his face.

“Alright.” 

-

The show was great, amazing even. When Ell was up there actually playing through songs she’d helped to write, her entire soul felt like it was floating. The air hung with energy and the crowd actually stuck around to watch them. Ell spotted Graham and Damon in the corner of the bar sat together with silly drunk smiles on their faces. They must’ve been feeling pretty good by now she thought. And as soon as it had begun, their set was over. 

The night spiraled into laughs. They squeezed into the booth at the back of the bar and ordered round after round of warm beer. It was crap, but all beer was crap to Ell. She hated it but nonetheless continued to drink the glass in front of her that filled up again and again and again. Graham was completely gone by the time she finished her first beer. His cheeks were rosy red and hot to the touch. Soon, Ell felt the dizzy whirl of drunkenness envelop her entire body, starting in her face and shooting out to her fingers. Viv and Emilia sat hand in hand, each other’s date for the night. Alex and Bobby had failed to show up at all. Damon sat silently with glassy blue eyes surveying the bar. Normally he was the loudest of the drunken group, jumping on the tables and winking at passersby who weren’t remotely interested in his antics. Tonight he just looked happy. Stupidly delighted. 

The next night was more of the same except without Damon and including Bobby. Graham said Damon had gone up to his parent’s house to spend the night there before they left for tour. The sentiment warmed Ell’s heart a bit. It was endearing to hear he was going to miss this part of his life that was ending. A slice of freedom he and the whole of Blur wouldn’t have in a matter of days. Graham on the other hand couldn’t wait for tour to begin. It was all he wanted to do with his life and for the foreseeable future. When he said that, it made Ell nervous but she nodded with a bright smile and drank her beer. 

And then, they were gone. Graham had stayed over at their apartment for the weekend, much to Ell’s delight. It was much needed time they hadn’t had for months. Ell felt that feeling she daydreamed about for hours; the feeling of practically living with Graham again just like she had last term. Only this time was different. She couldn’t help but become upset when she woke up and saw Graham’s chest rising and falling next to her. He still had the same loose expression on his lips she had admired so many times. And suddenly she thought about the next time she’d get to lie with him like this and when that would be and where. She frantically pushed the thought from her head.

Monday morning came through the window, illuminating the room brightly. They had sex, dressed quietly, and stepped outside. Alex parked in front of the flat and leant against the car with tired eyes. Of course a cigarette dangled from his lips. The window rolled down behind him and he slipped off the wet curb, dropping the freshly lit cig. 

“Fuck sake, Damon!” 

“Sorry, mate.” Damon sat in the passenger seat looking rather cheery this morning. Ell peered at him as they walked towards the car.

“Morning Alex,” she said through a yawn. Alex winked and lit up another cig. “Damon, I thought you’d said your goodbye on Friday?” He grinned widely. 

“Ah well I thought so too. Guess not.” Viv dashed across the yard and jumped onto Alex nearly kicking Damon in the face. 

“Don’t leave, babe. Please.” Alex chuckled and moved to kiss her. 

“Viv.” 

“I know. I’m only kidding. You guys have a tour to go on!” Graham shut the trunk of the car and took a deep breath. 

“It’s really happening then, huh?” His voice wobbled. Alex shook his head, his dark hair veiling most of his face. 

“Sure is, Gra. Come on.” He turned to Ell and smiled with tight lips. “Well bye, Stell. Take care of yourself.” He wrapped her in a hug and squeezed her tightly. 

“Take care of them,” she said eyeing Graham and Damon. 

“Come with us!” Damon called still smiling through lazy morning eyes. 

“Dames…” Graham said. He grabbed her hand, looking down at it. Suddenly he was quite somber. “I’ll call you alright? I promise.” Ell nodded and saw him wince in the usual awkward way Graham did. Under the overcast sky, the departure felt all too real and very very sudden. Graham chewed his bottom lip and furrowed his brows. 

“I love you, Ell.” She looked to him sadly, wanting nothing but to reach out and keep him from getting in Alex’s car and leaving. With time ticking she knew she couldn’t. She wouldn’t anyway. She was happy for him and for Blur. Hugging Graham, she smiled at Alex and Damon who now watched from the car. 

“Bye,” Ell whispered, pulling away from Graham. 

“Bye.” 

“Ok. Have fun guys. Call us!” Ell kissed Graham’s cheek and put on her best smile. He grinned and turned away, sliding into the car sadly beside Dave who hadn’t said a word the entire time. 

“Bye David!” Viv called, winking and blowing a kiss to him. Alex laid on the horn as they drove off down the road. Viv giggled to herself for a moment and then abruptly threw her arms around Ell, crying. 

“They’re gone oh my god.” Viv clung onto her as she cried, tears and snot rubbing into her sweater. It was really too early for this. “Alex is gone, Ell!”

“Viv come on. He’ll be back,” Ell consoled her. But standing there on the front lawn, holding Viv, it all suddenly came into view. A crystal clear picture. Blur was off to America. For seven months. 

“They’ll be back,” she said, trying to believe in the statement herself. Viv nodded and wiped at her face. 

“You’re right.” 

“Always am.” Ell grinned to her. She started towards the flat and heard Viv rush up behind her. 

“Come on, let’s finish this record before term starts. We can rub it in their face when they come back.” Viv’s smile returned viciously and she darted up the stairs to wake Emilia.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of dialogue and time hopping in this chapter but it's necessary. I'm really enjoying writing this so far and hope you like the characters and their development at the minute! Some more time hopping will happen next chapter along with more confusion for Ell. I hope you stick around for this one because some really uh... interesting and heartbreaking things are in store! Leave a comment if you like, I'd love to know your thoughts. X

Days practically melted together once term started. Goldsmith’s felt different without Graham. Without Alex. Without the entire group together. Damien had graduated and they never saw much of Sam anymore so things felt empty, sad and small. But on the bright side, Ell, Viv, and Emilia had worked tirelessly to finish the record. Days before classes were to start, Emilia got a call. 

“Bobby?” Ell watched from the couch as Emilia paced across the kitchen, holding the phone. “Woah Bobby, slow down! Who called you?” Viv emerged from her room and sat next to Ell. 

“What’s she on about now?” 

“Dunno. She seems excited though.” Emilia’s face froze still as if she was in a photograph and then broke into a smile; eyes wide, jaw dropped. 

“This weekend?” She clutched the phone so hard her knuckles faded to white. “Oh my— ok. Ok let me call you back, babe.” The phone slammed back into the cradle and she appeared in front of them. 

“Randy Pursel,” she said looking at them excitedly. 

“What?” Viv asked.

“I said Randy Pursel!”

“Yeah I heard you. Who’s that?” Viv asked again, her tone serious. 

“Oh my god. Come on. He’s a bigwig from Food! You know. Food Records. The label that Blur are signed t—” 

“Ok, continue,” Ell said, sitting up. Her interested was peaked.

“Fuck sake guys. Bobby got a call from him. He said he’s gonna come to our show on Friday!” Viv shot up. 

“Like to sign us?”

“Well in a perfect world yeah.”

“Holy shit,” Ell mumbled mostly to herself. 

“So we have to be good,” Viv smiled, nodding. “We have to be amazing.”

-

They weren’t signed. 

But they were put on a list with a group of other bands Randy Pursel called the ‘Almost Fuckin There’ list. When they met him after the show, he was dressed in a bucket hat, too tight trousers, and a Public Image Limited t-shirt. 

“Trying to fit in with the kids, innit.” A devout northerner, he came from Manchester and handed Ell a small white card with his number printed on it. “Call me when the record is fully written. I’ll see what we can do.” And he left, quite quickly, ultimately leaving Cherry more determined than ever. 

Term began and with it came the familiar stress of coursework and essays and art pieces they all remembered. It felt weird to Ell. Not going over to Graham’s flat to paint. Not seeing him waiting for her after Art History, always smiling. Not being able to kiss him or hold his hand, or even see him at all. She missed him…a lot. And the more she thought about him being on tour in America, god knows where by now, the more it upset her. 

Shutting the door behind her, Ell dropped her bag on the floor and threw herself onto the couch. She should be happy, for him, for Cherry, for Blur. She should be enjoying classes and her friends and having time to work on her art. But her heart was hurting. She just wanted to hear hi—

RING RING. 

Ell shot up, looking at the phone on the wall. Please.

“Hello?” 

“Ell.” He sounded off. Tired maybe?

“Gra hi. Are you alright? You sound sad.” Graham laughed softly over the phone and Ell felt a tightening spread across her chest. Fucking hell she was getting giddy over his laugh.

“I’m alright yea. Don’t worry about me. We’re all good. Sorry I haven’t called yet, things are kind of, well… we’re busy.” Pause, silence. “Erm how are things over there? Classes started yea?” 

“Yea they have.”

“They’re good?” Ell heard a noise across the phone line. It sounded like glass shattering or something falling but she couldn’t be sure. 

“They’re alright yea. Stressful is all.” It was the first time they had spoken since he had left. One whole month had gone by already and it hadn’t been particularly easy for Ell. She couldn’t call him considering they were always on the move and Graham didn’t have a mobile phone. None of them did. So she was left to sit and wait and hate herself when he didn’t call. For an entire month. 

“I miss you, Ell.” Graham’s tone was flat, almost lifeless. She heard another crash across the line. 

“What’s that noise?” He laughed again. The same low soft laugh as before. 

“It’s just Dave and Damon fucking around. It’s alright.” Ell curled the phone cord between her fingers. Why did this feel so weird? Their energy, this interaction, his tone of voice, it all seemed like the distance between them had made things super fuzzy and frayed. All of Ell’s worst case scenarios instantly flashed across her eyelids like a film. Graham was cheating. Graham hated touring. Graham was unhappy. He was hurt and not saying anything, keeping to himself. He had found someone else. Every single doubt and worry she had thought about over the course of that month was tugging at her chest and making it hard to breathe.

“Oh ok.” Pause. “I miss you too.” She could hear Graham’s breathing over the phone, it sounded shallow. “How’s tour? I’m sure it’s fun.” 

“Yea it’s fun. Feels long tho, the days I mean. Like we’ve been gone for years when it’s just been a month.” 

“Yea it feels weird here without you.” Ell’s heart burned when she said it. She remembered what it felt like to hug Graham, how he was so much taller than her and how he would rest his chin on her head. She could practically feel his hand grab hers and remembered the feeling of butterflies she got in those first few months. The night Graham told her he loved her on his bed just past midnight. And the smell of his sheets, sort of cottony sort of smoky. She even missed the broken closet door in his bedroom that rested against the wall the entirety of the term. Goosebumps appeared on her arms. God. 

“Hey how’s the record?” He sounded genuinely interested now, his tone less monotone. 

“Oh my god yea! It’s nearly finished now and some guy from Food came to our show.” 

“What! Who?”

“Uh— fuck— hold on. Randy something.” 

“Pursel?”

“Yea!” Graham laughed to himself. There was another crash. 

“Oh Jesus. He’s a right weirdo.” For the first time during their conversation, Graham sounded happy just like he did months ago. Ell sighed.

“Yeah but he didn’t sign us or anything. Said to call him when we’re ready to record.” Silence. 

“I should call him.” 

“No no. Don’t, Gra. We have to get it on our own.” 

“Course. I know he’ll sign you when he hears how brilliant you are.” Ell could hear his smile and caught it herself. She laughed and felt her worries subside, if only for a moment.

“I love you. I hope you’re ok. You know with being away and all.” Graham didn’t speak for a moment and she thought the call might’ve dropped. “Gr—” 

“I’m homesick, Ell.” He sounded far off, way out in space, his brain floating outside his body. She knew he sounded off and felt a brief passing of relief when her worries about him cheating completely disappeared from her mind. But it was quickly followed by a desperate desire to tell him to come home. ‘Come home and come back to Goldsmith’s. I miss you. I need you. I’m going crazy all alone over here. You sound sad. Maybe you should cut the tour short?’ 

“I can tell. Gra,” she struggled for words that weren’t selfish, “I miss you, you know that. But it’s tour you know? It’s America! Blur in America! On a real tour!” She tried so hard to sound excited and genuine but knew she was coming off disingenuous. Even a bit annoying.

“America is shit. Everything here is shit. I just—” Ell heard his voice falter like it did when he was really off. When he was losing the plot. “I wish you were here. My mind is—” another pause. His voice lowered as if he was trying to hide what he was saying from Alex, Damon, and Dave. “My mind isn’t right.” 

“Gra—” Ell’s eyes welled up. She wiped at them, feeling stupid. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I shouldn’t be sad but—” another crash followed by laughter. Damon’s laughter. “It’s just weird. I feel really different and I’m going all weird.” Suddenly things were too real and Ell searched for something to brighten the mood. She needed to help. She needed to cheer him up but as hard as she thought of something to say, she knew she couldn’t do much for him 4000+ miles away.

“Well you are weird, G. You’ve always been weird.” It worked, he laughed and took a deep breath. He sounded as if life had been knocked back into him again.

“Sorry. I just, I dunno. I should call you more.” 

“You really should. But hey, you’re busy yea? So try to enjoy yourself.” She smiled and leant against the wall. 

“I’ll try. I love you. I’ve got to go though. Dave wants to call someone.” 

“Ok. Call me soon yea?”

“Yea I will. Bye, Ell. I love you.” 

“I love you. Bye.”

-

Over the months, Graham usually called Ell once a week, normally on a Sunday. The time and space between them was changing things. Ell noticed a shortness about Graham, he would cut down the details of the week to the shortest summary possible, sometimes just one sentence. 

“The week’s been alright. Same shite again and again. Alex was more of a cunt I guess. Damon says hello.” 

There was a restraint he had picked up somewhere along the way and Ell became increasingly more aware of it. He was pulling back that much was obvious. She didn’t know whether it was the anxiety taking over or just a true disinterest in her but every time the phone rang on a Sunday night she could predict the flow of conversation. Hellos were said, I miss you’s were exchanged, a brief talk about current events, and then another I miss you and a goodbye. Like clockwork. Of course this cycle of identical calls made Ell’s stomach sink every time she thought about Graham in America. She saw him drinking and meeting new people and flirting and probably cursing the fact he had a girlfriend back in England. The thought of him being with someone else haunted her almost every single night, and if it didn’t, it was the thought of him resenting her more and more everyday for something she couldn’t control. Distance. 

For Ell, having Graham thousands of miles away was a blessing and a curse in one. Of course she missed him, often wanting only for him to walk through the door and tell her he was back for good. To tell her he still loved her and actually mean it. But when he wasn’t there, he couldn’t distract her from what she needed to do. And what she needed to do was finish Cherry’s record. 

It was a hot day in August and the three girls were all sat around in the flat’s small garden sipping beer and patting themselves on the back. They’d done it, the record was finally ready. It felt amazing and they all knew the songs were good. It was just a matter of playing show after show after show to get noticed; but with jobs and visits home, they had been busy and hadn’t played since May. 

September was hard for everyone. Cherry were playing almost every weekend, at any club that would have them but still nothing happened. Dan Pursel didn’t come back to see them play. In fact if it weren’t for a devout group of fans that continued to show up every night, Ell would’ve suggested they give it a rest and focus on school. Term had started up again and as October rolled around they found themselves neck deep in coursework. 

“We can’t stop playing, Ell. It’s like we’re on the brink of something I can feel it.” Viv paced the sitting room in just a robe. A cig hung limply from her lips, it made Ell miss Alex. 

“You’re failing half your classes.” 

“I don’t fuckin’ care! We’ve got it! Our songs are great! That crowd keeps coming ya know? Something has to happen soon.” Her face was desperate as it fell to sadness. Ell wished she could have the same hope Viv did but after every show they’d go home sweaty and tired. For what? She had no idea. 

OCTOBER 27, 1991

It was just another show to them. They walked onto the stage, waving at the now familiar set of faces bouncing around in the crowd. 

“Hiya! We’re Cherry,” Emilia said as she took her place behind the drums. “Thanks for coming.”

“Ok come on, girls.” Viv winked to the crowd as she always did and blew a kiss to some tall boy standing in the front. “This one’s called Divide.” They launched into the first song and punched out the beat with ease. They’d done it 7 million times by now and knew how to get the crowd going. But for Ell it was less of putting on a show and pleasing everyone in the club. It was much more magical than that. When she played, her fingers found each chord effortlessly. She got lost in the groove and completely forgot about her surroundings, as if she were just on her own and enjoying it for the main reason she began playing in the first place. The feeling she got when they played together could cure any of her worries or anxieties. It was the one thing that made her stop thinking for an hour. Stop thinking about school, getting signed, paintings that were due, and Graham. She totally forgot about him when she played, a relaxed smile resting on her face. Maybe that was why she agreed to keep playing shows. 

The crowd followed their every move, bouncing and swaying when they hit a particularly good beat. The dim light of Roscoe’s reminded Ell of the first time they played there, months and months ago with Damon and Graham watching from the corner of the room, already buzzed sitting in one of the booths at the back. A smile broke onto her face when she found herself reliving that night. It was an amazing show and one of the happiest memories she’d had in a long time. Sadly, it was one of the only memories Ell could cling to when things felt like they were going sideways. She remembered Graham’s face and how his cheeks blushed red when she kissed him coming off stage. Damon sat there blankly with the stupidest grin on his face. They had all driven over happily from their flat and Ell remembered the start of the night. Sleeping with Graham and the look on Damon’s face when they joined everyone in the kitchen. 

She caught Viv shooting her a look when she played the wrong string of chords. It threw them offbeat for a moment but in a second they were back in groove. Ell’s head hurt when she thought about that night. She could practically see Damon’s face as he passed through the flat and barely acknowledged them. Passive, cold, hurt. Her chest began to tighten. Why had it bothered her so much? She had thought about it so many times, remembering how it felt to be ignored by him and how it felt when he looked at her with the hurt in his eyes. The hurt that stayed for a mere moment and then dissolved into jokes and laughs. ‘Forget it’ he had said. But she couldn’t forget it, still after months had gone by. The light on his face backstage had made every curve and slope look like something out of a sketchbook. His quiet goodbye, so vulnerable and unlike him. She remembered how close he was to her and felt a smattering of goosebumps form on her arms and the back of her neck. It was then that she noticed she felt calm, maybe even happy when she thought about Damon. The opposite of how she felt when worrying about Graham. 

They closed the show with one of their most popular songs and left with smiles on their faces. Not a minute after they sat down on the couches in the green room backstage, there was a knock at the door. 

“Well hello again, Cherry.” Randy Pursel stood in the doorway wearing a big grin. Viv scoffed. 

“Randy hi.” He moved into the room and pulled a stool close to them, sitting down. 

“That was fantastic, really. I can see you’ve added songs to the setlist hm?”

“We’re finished writing,” Emilia cut in excitedly. “It’s all done. Eleven songs!” Randy laughed, nodding and rummaging in his jacket pocket, pulling out a cig and lighting it.

“I’m sure it’s great, girls. You know I’m a fan.” Ell sighed. If he was here to bring bad news, this day would plummet to utter shit. She waited to hear the worst. 

“You know I said to call me when it’s all written and ready. And you did.” He grinned again, showing a sharp fanged smile. “Coming back to see you again was even better than the first time.” The air was rife with tension. Randy adjusted his hair, slicking it back and took a puff of the cig. “I want to sign you.” All three girls stopped breathing at the same time. 

“I will. Soon.” 

“Wait sorry what?” Viv’s brows strained low on her face. 

“Food loves you. I mean, a couple record guys have even come down to see you.” He saw their faces turn to shock. “Ha bet you didn’t know that! And others talk about you all the time. But see, the thing is we signed Jesus Jones earlier this year and they’re taking longer than we expected to put out their record. But as soon as they do, I’ll be coming back down here and signing you right away. That sound alright, girls?” 

Viv looked at them with a crazed smile. It verged on tears. Emilia laughed and nodded. 

“Of course.” Ell stuck out her hand towards Randy. “Thank you, Randy.” 

“You’re fucking amazing!” Viv hopped up and threw her arms around him tightly. “We owe you one!” Randy laughed as he stood up. 

“You don’t! You three are great! I’ll see you soon then, alright?” 

“See ya, Rand!” Emilia said laughing. He walked towards the door and turned to look at them. 

“Your friend was right by the way! I should be thanking him for calling me. Telling me to give you another shot. He knows what he’s talking about huh?” He chuckled, dropping the half smoked cig into an ashtray on the table by the door. Before they could ask, Randy was gone. Ell looked down at her feet, lost in thought. 

“What do you reckon he meant by that? Our friend?” Viv downed the rest of her beer with a pleased grin. Ell felt the world turn around her, faster than she liked. Her stomach fizzled with annoyance. Even with a plethora of alcohol running through her veins, it was obvious to her what Randy meant. Without hesitation, she grabbed another beer, cracked it open, and took a hearty gulp.

“Dunno.” 

-

Blur were coming home. Finally. The anticipation of seeing them all again had Viv in a frenzy. She recruited Emilia and a resistant Ell to throw them a welcome home party. Ell thought it was stupid and childish but she helped anyway. The past few weeks, she hadn’t picked up the phone on Sunday nights. Her stomach felt sick with nerves knowing she had to confront Graham about getting them the in with Food. She’d specifically told him not to and couldn’t help but feel stupid. It was nice sure, but she wanted to do it on her own. 

“Ell they’re here!” Viv screamed from somewhere downstairs. Ell shot up and fixed herself up as quick as she could. Although she was annoyed with Graham, she still loved him. She still wanted to look good for him. Dashing down the stairs, she followed Emilia and Viv outside.

The daylight made Graham’s dark and sunken eyes that much more obvious. He smiled at her weakly from across the yard, closing the car door. He had gotten thinner definitely and looked nervous. His hair had grown out past his eyes. He brushed it to the side as he got closer to her. 

“Hi.” He reached for her hand and held it gingerly, looking down at her. He looked scared. 

“What’s wrong?” Ell studied his face first and made her way slowly down his body. But something caught her attention and she touched the bruising on his neck. “Hey what’s—” Her fingers brushed over the reddish purple bruises at the top of his neck just under his jaw and she heard him wince. 

“No it’s alright. It’s just from being drunk. Alex— he can really throw a punch.” He laughed softly to himself, blinking fast. Ell noticed he was slightly shaking, like a dog. 

“G, you’re shaking. What’s going on?” His eyes locked with the ground and he got quiet. 

“You’re mad at me aren’t you.” 

“Gra I just wish you didn’t—”

“You haven’t answered my calls.” His eyes were wide. “For like three weeks.” Ell looked over at Alex and Viv who was pressed against the car, kissing him. She saw Dave standing next to them lighting up a fag and then locked eyes with electric blue. For just one fleeting lovely moment.

She looked back at Graham and sighed. She didn’t want to fight with him anymore she just wanted to tell him how she felt. “I just felt stupid when Randy said you called him. I told you I—”

“Wait what? Randy Pursel? What’s he got to do with you not answering calls?” His lips pursed out before he brought them back in and chewed on them with narrowed eyes. Alex and Viv continued kissing. They should be kissing too right? Damon glanced at them again, this time curious. 

“Randy Pursel. From Food.”  
“Yeah what’s he got to—”

“He said you called him and told him to give us another chance.” Ell saw confusion creep into his eyes and his brown pupils darted around as if looking for an answer.

“What the hell are you on about?”  
“Just tell me if you did, Graham. Please.”

Graham’s face was fully annoyed now, his eyes small and squinted and his mouth turned to a frown. 

“I didn’t call him. I would never call him. You told me not to!” 

“What?”

“Ell I promise I didn’t, really.” Graham shifted his weight still holding her hand. She felt thoroughly confused and looked up to see Damon blowing smoke up into the brisk fall air. “I was just excited for you because you deserved to be signed. And Damon was too of course, when I told him. But I never called Randy.” He laughed. “Why’d he say that? It’s fucking weird.” Graham stepped closer to her and closed the small distance between them. He was home. He leant down and kissed her deeply, so sweetly it knocked the wind out of her. 

“Hey, I love you. Ok?” He hummed. 

Ell nodded and kissed his cheek. 

“I love you too.” His arms wrapped around her and pressed their bodies together in a hug. She felt two emotions: relief and utter confusion, the latter now dominating her brain. She was happy they were all home of course but was still at a loss for words. It made no sense. Graham was the only person she told about Randy and not getting signed. If he hadn’t called Randy…

As Ell hugged Graham tightly for the first time in eight months, her eyes flicked up towards the car. Again she caught Damon’s eyes, crystal clear and beautiful. He smiled brightly at her, waving happily. 

Suddenly she wasn’t confused anymore.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I wanted to make sure I got this chapter right. Hopefully you're enjoying the story so far - it's really fun to write! Let me know what you think and as always, thanks for reading.

Ell sat next to Graham, his hand wrapped around hers tightly. Lovingly. Tenderly. After the gang’s reunion on the front lawn, he had relaxed and slipped back into his routine and regular fidgets and habits. Pursing his lips, scratching his head, twisting his grown out locks between his fingers. It all made Ell’s stomach roll with butterflies and she remembered memories from last year that had almost faded from her mind the longer Graham had been away. She remembered exactly why she loved him and why she needed to try to adjust to life away from him. Soon she’d be signed and on tour with Cherry and probably thousands of miles away from Blur altogether. It would take time to adjust but the more Ell thought about it, the more her stomach began to ache. Visions of brief phone calls and miscommunication clouded her mind, threatening to send her into a full panic attack. 

“Hey,” Graham said poking her softly and bringing her back to the present, sitting on the sofa in the lounge, her friends placed around her haphazardly. “You alright?”

“Yeah yeah. Sorry.” She smiled softly, once again tricking him into thinking she was just zoning out. But really, she was thinking a thousand miles a minute. Damon had called Randy and tipped him off. Not tipped him off. Practically told him to sign them. It made Ell mad, offended that he thought they needed their help to get signed. They were on the brink, nearly there, and in swooped Damon attempting to save the day. His blue eyes were glassed over from the number of drinks he’d already knocked back easily. He sat how he usually sat, legs wide open and taking up as much room as humanly possible. Ell didn’t know if it was just how his body fell or if he was looking for attention. She guessed the second. 

Anyway, she wasn’t going to bring it up again. What was done was done and getting angry with him wouldn’t change a thing. Although her first reaction was anger, a second reaction seeped in slowly, so slowly she almost didn’t acknowledge it. Gratitude. Sure it was frustratingly typical of The Almighty Damon Albarn to feel like he could make anyone do anything, but it was also sweet and charming. As they sat down he had complimented all three girls when they played the finished tape of demos for them.

“It’s really fuckin’ good. Really.” 

“As it fucking should be!” Viv stood up and ruffled Damon’s hair as she passed to get another beer. 

“Really guys, it’s hard and fast. And that bass! Alright, Ell.” Alex winked at her. She blushed at the compliment. 

“Oh come on.” She mumbled. 

“Ell.” Damon looked at her with a sharp glance. “Take the compliment.”

“Yeah, Ell!” Emilia giggled from the corner. 

“Yea alright. Thanks,” she said. Alex bowed and let his fringe cover both eyes fully. Damon lobbed a beer can at him. 

“Jesus. Get a hair cut.” Graham chuckled quietly. 

“The girls love it. You don’t, Dames?” He sat next to Damon and kissed his cheek. “You love me don’t you?”

“Get off me you nonce.” Alex pushed against Damon’s resistant arms to no avail and gave up.

“Shame. I give lovely kisses.” Alex said. Viv reappeared and rolled her eyes as she sat back down. 

“I can only guess how many people you’ve kissed while you were in America.” She cracked open her beer and watched as foam seeped out the top and down the side. “Let me guess. Hmm, I’d say… twenty-five?”

“Oh babe no. Just Damon and Gra a couple times.” He sat straight and lit up a fag, the smoke tunneling towards the ceiling. “Isn’t that right boys?” Damon chuckled to himself, rubbing his eyes with a grin. “Fuck sake, Alex.” It was the first time Ell had ever seen Damon squirm. She loved it. It was so totally out of character for him as he was usually the one who would own up to everything he got up to. But this time was different. Not even Graham was all too fazed by Alex’s banter. But Damon continued rubbing his eyes figuring if he kept on, no one would notice the subtle blush forming on his cheeks. His legs tucked up into himself, covering his chest and half of his face. He looked at El, then at Graham, and for a fleeting moment Gra tensed up beside her. His arm wrapped around her went stiff and then back to normal. 

“I thought you said you weren’t into that Gra. Kissing boys?” Ell poked at his face and giggled. He rolled his eyes, grinning now and peered from her to Damon to Alex. 

“Yea well alcohol tends to change people hmm?” He laughed and leaned in to kiss her, the taste of pure whiskey tainting her tongue. Warm and dark and beautiful. Ell felt her body tingle with lust. Imagining Graham drunk and kissing boys was almost too much for her brain to handle. Somehow the idea of him kissing boys was alright in her mind. She practically didn’t mind it. As long as it wasn’t a girl, Ell could cope. Graham had denied it so many times anyway, the label ‘bisexual’ never sat right with him. He didn’t care for labels, thought they were dumb. But Ell found out over the past year that seemingly everyone in the group could lean either way. She warmed up to it and even thought it made Graham more attractive. She knew all three boys were open to the idea of kissing each other but no one ever seemed to talk about it. It was dangerous and exciting and extremely hot. Alex was the first person who was open about it. He claimed it like a badge of honor. And Viv, it didn’t phase her. Being a rebel herself, she loved the thought of Alex swinging both ways. 

Damon was next. The first night Ell met him she watched him saunter across the room with so much confidence it could kill. His girlish look was tempting. The first thing he did was plant a kiss on Graham when he came into the room. There was no doubt in Ell’s mind after that. But Damon wasn’t typical. He was aggressive and stealthy unlike Alex who tended to be more tame. Damon could get anyone he wanted, whenever he wanted, wherever he wanted and he made that blindingly clear. On a typical Friday night last term, the party hadn’t even begun yet and he had locked the door behind him and some kid from Graham’s class. Ell could see Graham’s face now. She watched when he sucked down drink after drink avoiding sobriety at all costs. From then on she knew. 

There was history she didn’t know about. Or history Graham had never told her. Ell wasn’t stupid, she was actually pretty bright. She could pick up on cues and feelings and emotions that people thought they were hiding well. For instance, she knew that Graham cared about Damon. That much was clear. She knew that Dave thought everyone was sleeping with everyone which wasn’t true. She knew that Damon liked having power over anyone he could. He knew the one person he would always have power over was Graham. That was one thing that Ell hated about him. He knew he could have anything he wanted and none of it was fair to Graham. 

“Alcohol makes everything better,” Damon chimed in. He had uncurled himself and stretched his legs out again. With a tip of his bottle he saluted the group. “Come on it’s true.” Ell laughed softly and grabbed the can from Graham’s hand. 

“I’ll cheers to that.” 

-

Things were amazing for a long time. Christmas passed by like a dream; a whirl of biting cold, old times, and unexpected happiness. It had been a long time since the whole group was together for this long, an entire year actually. When Blur toured in America everyone thought it was the end of late nights at Graham and Alex’s flat, which it technically was. But now things were even better. Graham and Damon had moved into their own flat just ten minutes away from the girls’ place and Alex had moved into the spare bedroom next to Viv’s; although he didn’t really sleep there. For a couple months, everyone was happy. Things were almost back to the normal they knew. Damien, Sam, and Paul had even started coming over more which made Ell happy. Wherever they were, whether it was the girls’ apartment, Graham and Damon’s, or out at the pub, the feeling was palpable and obvious. Happy faces all around.

Blur were set to tour Europe February through June which was exciting. They had hated America, Graham especially. Days stretched on and in January, Randy showed his face at one of Cherry’s shows. Finally it was what they had been waiting for. They were signed to Food Records and promptly whisked away by Alex Damon and Graham to the nearest pub to celebrate. Damon invited Randy along and bought him all the beer he could afford, which honestly wasn’t much. With a smile on her face, mind fuzzy with alcohol, and a happily drunk Graham next to her, Ell watched Damon talk to Randy and noticed the buddy buddy relationship they had. A cheeky joke, a slap to the knee, and another pint. He sure was trying hard and it wasn’t only Ell who had noticed. 

“He’s practically sucking him off,” Graham slurred. He grimaced towards his best mate and chuckled. “Is’gross.” She looked at Graham and saw the fuzziness behind his eyes. Although it wasn’t the classiest thing, drunk Graham was always the best Graham to sleep with. Slowly, she let her hand slide from his knee up towards the space between his legs and with his mouth hanging open he looked at her. 

“Oh?”

“Shh.” She groped his crotch, earning a soft moan from the back of Graham’s throat. “You’re gonna have to be quiet,” she said with a grin. He scoffed. 

“I’m fucked, Ell. I can’t be quiet.” Excusing herself from no one in particular, she stood from the bar and pulled Graham towards the bathroom. “I like this,” He mused in a surprised tone. It wasn’t in character for Ell to be this desperate and once the door closed behind them, she locked it and turned to see the noticeable bulge underneath Graham’s jeans. 

“Jesus,” she giggled. After drinking a couple pints, neither of them were very steady so they opted for the floor instead of over the sink. It wasn’t Ell’s proudest moment but she needed to be fucked, even if she knew she wouldn’t get off. Graham’s clumsy hands reached down and undid Ell’s pants, sliding them down her legs. 

“Come on,” she said desperately. Graham laughed at her urgency. 

“Alright hold on.” He slid his pants down just far enough so he could slide his cock out. Drunk and horny were a vicious combination and Ell wasn’t patient enough for kissing and touching. Graham’s eyes fluttered which was a sure indication of the sheer level of intoxication he was under. He giggled to himself quietly.

“Gra—” His thin body hovered above her like a ghost. He was happily drunk and enjoying every second that he made her wait. “Gra!” He locked eyes with her. But he wasn’t smiling. All too quickly, his face wilted to an expression much more sober, almost sad. “Gra?”

“Can you call me Graham?” It came out in a whisper. Ell frowned, seeing the expression on his face contort in embarrassment. He avoided her eyes desperately.

“Yeah ok. Sorry?” The mood shifted into an awkward place and now all Ell wanted to do was get this over with. 

“Sorry. It’s just- Damon calls me Gra.” Tense air smothered Ell. She thought of how ridiculous they must’ve looked lying naked on some pub’s bathroom floor, inches away from fucking. But now a simple request had totally turned Ell off. It was as easy as flicking off a light switch. 

“You know what nevermind.” She pulled herself up and pushed past Graham who was still rock hard and ready. Pulling her pants back up was the worst part. She felt odd and rejected, like she had ruined the moment she had created in the first place. She just wanted to have fun but now the moment had passed. And although Graham hadn’t brought up the topic of exclusive nicknames before, the fact that it had bothered him so much he had to mention it during sex made Ell feel like he would always choose Damon over her. She knew she was being stupid but she couldn’t help but feel like no matter what she did, Damon would always be a factor in their relationship, no matter how long they stayed together, he would always be there. She wasn’t stupid, she knew all the Blur boys well enough to know what they got up to. She loved Graham enough to let all of that shit slide. Hell she didn’t even care! Everyone seemed to know anyway. But this particular moment had for some reason hit her too close to home. It was like every time they slept together, all either one of them could think about was Damon. 

“Fuckin hell I didn’t mean it like that.” 

“It’s fine. I’m fine, really.” Graham sat like a child on the floor, naked and blindingly drunk. He looked up to her and blinked to try and focus. 

“If you didn’t like me calling you that, you could’ve just told me before.”

“It’s not that. Come on. It just makes me think of Damon and-” 

“It’s fine, Graham. Really.” He stood up and wobbled, almost toppling over. With one hand around his dick, he looked pathetic. Ell felt like slapping him but refrained. “Is that a problem anyway? You thinking of Damon.” Graham scoffed.

“What! I don’t want to think of Damon when I’m fucking you. It’s totally diff-” he paused, laughing, “what I mean is that separation is key.” He chuckled at himself again and hiccuped not understanding Ell’s frustration. “Come on can we just fuck?” He stepped towards her with a grin on his face. There was nothing she wanted less right now. 

“I don’t want to anymore ok? I’m sure-” she knew what she said next would sting, “I’m sure you can take care of yourself.” She motioned towards his dick which was still in his hand. “And if not, you can call Damon.” 

“Where is this coming from?” Graham called out as she turned and left the bathroom. Walking straight past the bar, she heard Damon laughing with Randy and all she felt like doing was crying. 

-

June 1992

Stay calm. He loves you. You’re overthinking. 

Repeating mantras seemed to work for Ell and over the next few months, with Blur gone on tour, Graham was all she could think about. He had reassured her he loved her. He had apologized the day after the pub and Ell accepted it of course. She had to when she saw him standing there with that sad puppy dog look. Still, somewhere in her mind she was ashamed…maybe she had overreacted. But when nights were dark and lonely, she thought about every subtle glance Damon had given Graham. She thought about every time he had called Graham ‘Gra’ and every time Graham would sit right next to Damon, not even an inch between them. It made her feel crazy, like she was going insane over something so trivial. It was fucking stupid, of course it was, she knew that for certain. They were best mates thats all it was. He had said it over and over again when he knocked on her door the next morning. 

“I love you, Ell. I’m sorry. It was stupid and we were drunk and Damon… he’s my best mate yeah? But I love you. You know that.” And she did. How could she not know when he would grab her hand or laugh under his breath every time Alex spoke French. It was all still there. The glimpses of those first few months. Ell was scared she was trying too hard to hold onto them. After all, they were in the past for a reason. Now was now and if she couldn’t get a grip she was going to go mad and she couldn’t do that right now. They had just finished recording the album. 

It was released with high reviews and to the girls’ surprise, they charted above Leisure. Damon had called to congratulate them, telling Ell he was writing new stuff that would ‘chart fucking miles above Cherry’s record’. It was good to hear Damon’s voice. Although she had somehow built up an overwhelming resentment towards him, he had quite clearly backed off. Especially the weeks before they left for tour. She suspected that Graham had told him to which made her feel like even more of an idiot. But over the phone, she could tell he was aching to come home and record. It’s what they did best. She had to admit to herself that she was excited to see them. After weeks in her own head, she had cleared her mind the best she could and was eager to just enjoy her friends. She missed them. 

Viv was the first one awake the morning the boys returned home. 

“HEY! GET UP!” She pounced on top of Ell who was still waking up. She felt a wet kiss land on her lips and pushed Viv off her with a giggle. 

“Fuck off!”

“You fuck off! They landed! Alex just rang me.” Ell groaned and pulled the covers back over her head. 

“Lovely. What the time, seven?” 

Viv laid her body on top of Ell, her entire weight sufficiently smothering her. “It’s ten. Come on then sleepy!” 

Although the collective mood was excited, Ell had her reservations. This tour, Graham had called her much less and she had gotten used to it. She wasn’t about to become the nagging girlfriend. After all, it was nice to be alone and spend time with Viv and Emilia. 

Although Graham didn’t call much, Damon began making up for it. He started calling Ell every single week and told her where they were and how the shows were going. She expected he was lonely. He didn’t have anyone to call home to anyway and probably just wanted someone to talk to. Someone that wasn’t Alex, Graham, or Dave. It was nice to know someone wanted to talk to her. If it wasn’t Graham, she’d take the closest thing to him. 

Over the last few months, the girls had all grown even closer, if that was possible, and had really started to rely on one another. Best friends was an understatement. They all practically had the same thoughts and desires. Start a band, get signed, tour, and somehow find happiness along the way. And for the most part, everything was going to plan. Things were good. No one could really complain. 

After an hour or two, Viv shouted that once again, Alex had rung her and said they were back at Graham and Damon’s which was apparently where they were to celebrate for the night. Ell zipped her jeans and gave herself a once over in the mirror. Good enough. The three of them along with Damien, who had recently started dating Emilia, piled into his car and sped off towards the boys’ flat.

Ell sighed to try and exhale any anxiety that was still stirring in her stomach. The sight of Graham and Damon’s flat, now with the lights on, was exciting and they made their way to the front door. 

Knock knock knock.

A moment passed before it swung open to reveal a smiling Damon. Alex appeared behind him and stuck a wet finger in his ear. Damon laughed, shoving him away.

“That’s no way to greet our guests.” He grinned and stood aside to let them in. 

“Damien!” Alex exclaimed and threw his arms around his friend. “How’d you end up with this lot?” He took a drag from his cig and pulled Viv in for a kiss. Ell stepped through the doorway behind Emilia, looking for any sight of Graham. 

“Do I not get a hello?” Blue eyes shot her a look from behind the door. She rolled her eyes and closed the space between them to hug Damon. If anything, she had to admit it, he was an excellent hugger. 

“He’s through there,” he said and pushed her towards the adjacent room. “Go on then.” Ell turned and walked in the direction Damon had pointed. As she rounded a corner into the kitchen, she found Graham popping open a bottle of red wine. 

“Hi sorry. I promise I was coming.” He fumbled with the bottle and poured himself a generous glass. “I couldn’t get it open.” 

“S’alright.” Ell grabbed the glass from him and took a long sip. “You look well.” Graham shook his head and smirked at her. 

“I hope that’s a compliment.” She nodded and leant against the counter. He seemed more nervous than usual which was probably why he was pouring himself such a large glass of wine. It calmed him down he would say. 

“Hey your bags aren’t as bad.” Ell reached out and touched just under his left eye causing Graham to chuckle. 

“That’s quite weird a weird thing to say, Ell.” She ignored his comment, admiring his eyes, then cheekbones, then lips. He looked amazing. 

“I’m guessing you liked this tour?” He smiled and nodded. 

“Missed you though.” Graham’s eyes failed to light up when he looked at Ell. He looked as if he was forcing a smile. “I love you.” He spat it out quickly like he had forgotten to tack it onto the end of his sentence. “I love you.” 

Ell knew something was off but instantly her mind rejected the idea of worrying. She wasn’t going to analyze everything until it made her crazy. She just wanted to kiss Graham. She wanted him to kiss her already. When he failed to pick up the cue, she leaned in herself and connected her lips to his. 

“Woah sorry!” Damon’s said from the hall. “Didn’t mean to intrude.” Ell looked back to see his hands up in surrender. 

“Oh shut up.” Graham turned and took two more glasses from the cupboard, filling them with wine. “Wine then, Dames?” Damon nodded and took a glass from Graham. The others began filing into the kitchen, laughing and chattering away. 

“You’ve poured me a Gra sized glass,” Damon laughed. He was right, the glass was nearly three quarters full. 

“Oh just drink it.” Graham corked the bottle and set it on the counter. He turned to Ell and grinned sheepishly. “Yours alright?” She nodded. 

“It’s great.” Graham sighed loudly and tipped his glass back, taking a generous swig. The night started pretty normally with talks of the tour, Cherry’s record, and what countries were the best to play in. Alex continued to go on about how Amsterdam was the place to be while Dave made faces from the corner of the room. Emilia and Damien were another topic of conversation. The boys were surprised that they were dating, Alex especially. Damon said he could see it coming after the string of pub nights they had last February. For most of the time, Graham stayed quiet beside Ell. The only thing he did manage to do was fiddle with the frayed bits at the end of his sleeve and shuffle side to side nervously. Even with a couple glasses down, his nerves didn’t dissipate. Ell had to continue reminding herself that it was in his character. He was always nervy, always fidgety. In the back of her mind she knew something must’ve been bothering him but she had promised herself to stay calm. He loved her. Don’t overthink. 

“Fag, Graham?” Alex tapped his shoulder and shook a pack of smokes in front of his face. Graham looked to Ell.

“What! Don’t look at me!” With a grin he kissed her cheek and vanished out the back door to the garden. Instantly, Damon appeared next to her. 

“Have a minute?” His usual crystal blue had somehow faded to a grey but Ell blamed it on either the wine or the awful kitchen lighting. She had noticed it though, Damon’s staring. From the other side of the room he had been watching both Ell and Graham, looking as if he were studying their body language. It was quite obvious, even to Ell who was already very tipsy. As she looked over Damon’s face, she remembered just how it looked the night of their first show. Backstage under that horrible fluorescent light. The angles, the shadows, the slopes and lines that came back to her at odd and random times. And it was still the same. He was still as stunning as ever. 

“Ell?” 

“Wha- oh yea sure.” She followed him through the flat to the front room which seemed eerily quiet. Damon sighed as they sat down. 

“Fuck sake.” Bending forward he rested his head in his hands. 

“Well what?” she urged. She hadn’t expected this at all. Damon sat back up and looked at her. 

“I don’t really want to say it-” he paused, thinking, “because he’s my best mate.” Ell’s stomach locked up. It felt like cement. Her breathing went shallow, slow, anxious. 

“Something happened didn’t it. Graham’s acting strange.” Damon’s eyes glassed over and suddenly Ell wanted to leave. She had been doing so well with ignoring her instinct to worry. She had been keeping it together but now Damon had confirmed that something in fact was wrong. And he was going to tell her. 

“Shit, Ell.” 

“Please just tell me. Did he have a freak out? Did he like assault someone?” Damon looked at her incredulously. 

“What?” 

“What? It could happen!” He closed his eyes and took a long slow breath. 

“I feel sick,” he whispered. Ell waited, watching Damon’s face for something, anything. His eyes darted from her right eye to left eye. Right to left, right to left. Seeing him this frightened made her heartbeat sky rocket. It was unnerving. 

The front room was dark. Damon hadn’t bothered to turn the lamp on, going straight for the sofa. It only added to Ell’s worrying. Her thoughts raced through her brain at illegal speeds. Every single scenario she had feared dashed across the back of her eyelids every time she blinked. No. No. Please no.

“I’ve just been watching him since you got here and it’s-” Damon took a breath, “it’s so wrong. He’s my best mate but it’s not right.”He looked at her with tears welling up in his eyes. Just the sight of him made Ell’s heart sink. “I have to tell you.” 

“Just say it then.” Ell saw him nod in the darkness. He lifted his eyes slowly. They were sad and conflicted and apologetic. The words came out like honey; sticking resistantly to his tongue. Ell’s body felt like ice. 

“It was only once but-”

“Damon.”

“He cheated on you.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait on this chapter, I've been trying to sort out the final plot. As always, thanks for reading and giving the fic your kudos! Means a lot and keeps me wanting to write!

Numb. No word could describe the feeling resting in the pit of her stomach more perfectly. 

“I didn’t want to tell you but-” the sound of Damon’s voice became muffled, turned faint, and was gone. Ell instantly thought about every single night they had all spent together. Drinks, cigarettes, laughs, smiles, beds, couches, vomit, hands, alcohol, eyes, dark brown, and crystal blue. Every single thing that had ever made Ell happy lied with the group of people she had collected over the past two years. Nights where Alex would insist that everyone continued drinking. After all, we’re only young once right? Nights when Graham would be just the right amount of drunk. He’d hold her hand so tenderly, as if it were a flower petal. When she looked down at the floor and closed her eyes, all Ell could see were couches pushed together so everyone was as close as possible and bodies lying on top of each other at odd hours of the morning. Smiles and winks. Damon sitting across the room with his legs wide open as if he were asking someone to throw a beer can right at his groin. All of these things were what made it hard for her to find a flaw in what he had just told her. It wasn’t so much as the fact that Graham had cheated that made her dizzy with nerves, it was that if things ended, she would lose everything. She’d lose Alex and Viv. Emilia and every passing laugh, every smirk Dave wore as he sat in the corner quietly. She’d lose Damon with his intriguing glances and perhaps too honest drunken moments. And that is what made her breathing turn shallow. The fact that it wasn’t her boyfriend cheating on her that made her upset. It was the entire group that was at stake. It was Damon she would lose. Short, brief looks shot her way when Graham wasn’t in the room that made her heart feel like it was on fire, even for a fleeting second. It was that danger that seemed so wrong that made everything feel so right. She loved Graham. She loved her friends. She loved how close Damon was sitting next to her. 

“-he’s not a bad guy, Ell but-”

“It was just once right?”

Damon caught his breath. He had been rambling and rambling. Trying to make sense of it himself. Trying to help. 

“Isn’t once enough?”

“It’s just-” Damon looked at her with wide eyes as she spoke, his lips parted in disbelief. 

“Well isn’t it?” Ell shushed him, remembering that Graham was in fact still near. Somewhere. “I thought-”

“It’s more complicated.” She looked back to him with tears in her eyes. “And you know that.”

“It shouldn’t be.”

“And what are you suggesting?”

“Leave him.” His eyes had turned big, like huge black discs. He could see right through her. It was a skill he had that always left Ell feeling self-conscious.

“I can’t just leave him!” 

“And why not?” Damon’s brows furrowed together, nearly joining in the middle to form one long one. It was an expression he wore when upset, angry, confused, uncomfortable, drunk. Ell could feel every molecule in her body tense with apprehension. Of course he was right, he tended to be, but they both knew it wasn’t that easy. She couldn’t just up and leave. It would ruin everything. Damon’s eyes held her gaze as he waited for her answer. 

“I’ll lose everything.” The statement came out as more of a question. A mere whisper almost lost under the sound of the others in the kitchen. Ell knew Damon knew what she meant. He had to have known. When she looked at him again, his eyes certainly said so. 

“You wouldn’t lose me.” 

“Oi! We’re having shots and two have your names on th-” Alex appeared suddenly. Very loudly. His eyes scanned the dark room, confused. “Sorry did I interrupt?”

“No, no. Just having a chat. We’re coming.” Ell smiled up at him and stood as to keep him from sniffing anything out. She fell into her ‘happily tipsy’ voice. Damon stood up slowly and nodded to Alex. 

“Thanks, mate.” Alex nodded back, made a face, and turned to walk back down the hallway. 

“Hurry up then!” He called.

Damon grabbed Ell’s wrist. 

“How can you be so okay with this?” The feeling of his hand wrapped around her instantly sent heat up her arm and across her chest. She hated admitting he had such power over her. But it was true, she savored every millisecond of contact. Every glance, every hug, every smirk or wink. Anything she could get while Graham had turned away briefly was taken eagerly. And that was the problem. She knew the answer right away, (not that she would ever tell Damon.) It almost made her feel like the guilty one. Over all these months apart, she had been doing the same thing. Only it was in her mind. Flashes of blue at random times in the day. Seeing that smirk just before she fell asleep. Many many appearances in her dreams. It all happened much more than dark brown, messy hair, pursed lips. She felt ill.

“I don’t know. I don’t have an answer.” Damon’s grip loosened and Ell felt a heaviness in her stomach. “I can’t leave him. It doesn’t make sense but-” she paused to search for words, “I’m not losing this.” She saw his expression change and immediately rephrased her sentence. 

“My friends I mean.” 

“Right.” He let go of her. It felt like pure disapproval. It was clear Damon wasn’t having any of it but that wasn’t her problem. She turned to join the others. She desperately needed that shot. 

-

When things are ignored, they go unnoticed. Invisible to the outsider’s eye. Untouched like a pebble in the sand. For some time, Ell was ok and she kept reminding herself that she in fact was. The next month of summer was hotter than usual. All the while, Graham slipped back into his old self, the Graham Ell knew from that first term at Goldsmith’s and Damon had eventually stopped trying to warn her. 

“Leave him, Ell.”

“He’ll only do it again.”

“Please.”

Every plea bounced off her skin and fell to the floor, seemingly useless. She had made up her mind. It was once, and once was a slip up. She wasn’t going to ruin everything for ‘once’. She wasn’t going to find herself alone because of ‘once’. She wasn’t going to become miserable because of ‘once’. And although she had engrained this mindset so deep into her head, a voice continued to whisper that ignoring things wasn’t going to fix anything. Ell wore her happiest face, but it didn’t hide the fact that she had already become miserable anyway. 

She did find one thing funny. Now that she knew Graham’s big secret, he wasn’t so annoyed when she would spend time with Damon. Did he know she knew? She didn’t want to know if he did because then, he would think she was a coward for not breaking up with him. Ell focused her energy on happy things. Like Damon. 

Before Cherry and Blur were to tour in Japan in the fall, she would spend whole days with him in town, out to eat, at the cinema, at his flat. The feeling of hypocrisy crept in slowly at first and then all at once. Ell knew what it looked like. She wasn’t all too innocent either, in fact she felt just as at fault as Graham. But to be fair, he did spend a lot of his time away from the others, shutting his door from the world and going back to his art. Ell still felt love for him in that way. His old art college days were what she missed dearly. She wished to just once relive one day from 1990, lying on Graham’s bed, happy as clams. It seemed worlds away and so did he. 

SEPTEMBER

“Ell!” Graham called up to her from the hall. She had spent the last couple days at his and Damon’s before they all left for tour. Ell was excited to say the least, it was her first big tour and maybe if she was with Graham, he wouldn’t be so anxious away from home. Maybe he wouldn’t try and find happiness somewhere else. After all, she would be right there the entire time. 

“Coming!” She stuffed the last of her clothes into her suitcases and rolled them into the upstairs hall. 

“Oh sorry, pardon me.” Damon came out of the bathroom half naked with just a thin white towel clinging to his hips. He had obviously just showered. A sheen of water still shined on his bronzed and freckled shoulders. Ell blushed and instantly averted her eyes back to her bags. 

“You know we leave in five minutes,” she warned, laughing. 

“I can’t go like this?” Ell lifted her gaze back up and saw him holding his hands up in question. “Dare me?” He smirked and turned away, disappearing into his room at the end of the hall. Ell wanted nothing more than to stare at his shoulders all day. Over the last weeks they had spent so often together, she had developed a soft spot for the most overlooked features Damon had. His fingertips, his ankles, the way his lips curled in, the gap between two of his bottom teeth. She had noticed it all slowly. But her logical mind kicked in. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Graham was downstairs waiting for her. 

When she finally made it to the kitchen, Ell’s breathing was uneven and ragged. 

“Good?” Graham asked as he spread peanut butter over a slice of bread. She laughed softly. 

“Lovely.” Without a word, she walked over to him, behind him, and snaked her hands around his body.

“You seem happy today,” he mused with a grin. Turning to face her, he planted a wet kiss on her lips gingerly. “Ready for tour?” 

“I hope so.” Ell admired dark brown and dark circles and hair hanging just below his brow. He looked happy, and not the fake happy he used to wear, the genuine and real kind. His bowed lips twisted into a soft smile. “You won’t be annoyed I’m on tour with you?” she asked.

“Wha? Course not. I love you, Ell. No matter how many times you ask me, it’ll always be the same.” She laughed and leant into him for a hug. “You believe that I love you right?” Graham sounded sad. 

“Yea.” Pulling away to make eye contact, Ell smiled and got one in return. “I love you too.” 

“Good.”

 

Tokyo was overwhelming; sprawling and beautiful but crowded and hectic. It took a skilled mind to adjust to the culture shock. Alex loved it all and said he adored Japan. The awestruck gaze coming from Viv’s eyes was funny enough to make Dave laugh on the drive over to the first hotel. Damon wouldn’t shut up about the food and how he came here once as a kid. 

“I know the best sake bar,” he’d say, addressing the whole group. They all nodded and ‘mhmm’ed every so often so he knew his conversation wasn’t falling on completely deaf ears. Even with the chatter, all Ell could think about was how soon they’d get to the hotel and when she could be alone with Graham. The entire flight had been kisses and touching, and teasing. It had been refreshing to know that not everything between them was dead. Looking down at his pants beside her, she could see he was already hard and giggled softly. 

“Wha?” he said looking at her. Ell just touched his leg, letting her fingers trail up towards his crotch. “Oi!” he yelped. Although they were in the back of the bus, Alex looked back at them and elbowed Damon in the ribs. 

“Gra you alright?” Graham nodded, flushing with pink. 

“I’m doing great.” Damon chuckled to himself, tousled his hair, and continued talking about restaurants they needed to go to. Soon enough, the van pulled up to the hotel and they all stood on the pavement retrieving their bags and shuffling inside. Ell couldn’t stop staring at Graham. He kept smirking, only making it harder to not run upstairs and lock themselves in their room. 

When she finally rolled over onto her back with a new layer of sweat on her skin, she couldn’t help but laugh. It was as if nothing had ever changed, like Graham had never slipped up. Maybe if they always toured together, everything would go back to normal. Graham pulled her closer and sighed. 

“You’re so sweaty.” 

“I wonder why.” He laughed at Ell’s cheek and sighed again. “That’s two sighs in a row.” 

“Sorry,” he paused, “I’m just happy.” She could hear the smile on his face. Happy, old times, finally. Ell wanted to believe they were on the best terms possible and to be quite honest, they were. For the first time in months, she actually felt like Graham cared again. He was the old, quiet, shy, but ever so horny Graham from Goldsmith’s. Things were ok and as if they were in their own little world, Ell felt a warm glow surround them. 

-

It was four days into tour when Graham first snorted his first line of coke with Alex. Everyone eventually had some, even Ell, although after it wore off she thought of how incredibly expensive a half hour high was. Shows were amazing in Japan. The crowds were respectful and polite, unlike Europe. Damon especially found his stride when he began talking to the girls queuing up outside after the show. Ell stood in the alley, hidden with Alex, Viv, Dave, and Graham smoking and watching him at his highest level. Flirting, smoking, showing off as Damon so often did these days. It was as if tour was a drug in itself for him and just being the frontman got him off. 

“Oi, Dames!” Graham called as they were all heading back inside. “I’ve got a present for you.” Damon kissed all three girls, said a goodbye, and jogged over to them. Graham pulled a neatly rolled joint from his back pocket and instantly, Damon’s eyes lit up. 

“But you said-”

“Just shut up and take it.” He took the joint from Graham and waited for a light. Ell stepped up and sparked a flame from her lighter. 

“Ell, want some?” She nodded and watched his face when he sucked so slowly on the joint. His eyes closed, mouth curling up like it sometimes did when he slept. Graham stood there wearing a happy grin, watching Damon’s expression twist several times.

“Come on then,” he pleaded. Damon chuckled and handed it to Ell while blowing a trail of smoke into Graham’s face. “Dickhead,” he coughed and pushed Damon hard in the chest. He fell to the ground in a heap, a variety of curse words falling from his mouth. 

“We need to get drunk,” Graham said before taking the joint from Ell. 

“Yes,” Damon agreed. He slung an arm around Graham as he took a short drag, watching him intently, very close to his face. Ell stood there, still sweaty from the set and already well on her way to being drunk. The sight of both Graham and Damon huddled so tightly together made her brain whir with electricity. Everything about the past week was exciting, especially the two faces in front of her. Both so delicate and beautiful. Each with it’s own beauty. She wanted everything, both at once, one by one, it didn’t matter. Life seemed wondrous and alluring. Anything could happen and she wanted it to.

“Gra,” Damon parted his lips, asking for the joint. Graham obliged and shoved it into his mouth with a giggle. Damon could’ve taken it with his own hand, considering it was totally free and hanging by his side but having someone else do it for him seemed to satisfy him. He took a longer than usual drag and blew it into the night air. 

“Look at you both. Watching me so closely,” Damon chuckled. Ell looked at Graham who had snapped out of it and looked to her. They laughed in some sort of shared embarrassment. She rubbed her eyes. 

“Fuck off. You wish.” 

“Of course I do.” He handed Graham the joint and leaned in to kiss him with a completely open mouth. Graham crumbled under him, knees buckling and almost falling to the ground. When Damon pulled away, he laughed evilly. He knew exactly how much power he had and how far he could go. It seemed sadistic, but when Ell saw Graham roll his eyes, she knew it was harmless. It was normal. All the boys kissed each other, except for Dave of course who called them all fairies. Somewhere deep down, she liked it. No she loved it. And after all, it was harmless. Kissing was as far as it went. She stared at Damon, hiccuping and suddenly lustful. 

-

Later that night, Ell sat in the corner Alex and Viv’s hotel room with a bottle of whiskey in hand. Saying she was drunk was an understatement. Piling into one room, Alex and Viv’s being the biggest, the group drank until every single one of them was drunk. 

“Turn that up!” Viv yelled at Dave who had been DJing for the past hour.  
“We’ll be fucking kicked out, Viv.” 

“We’re the only ones on this floor, Davey. It’s just us. Calm down!” She took another swig from her personal whiskey bottle and kissed Alex sloppily. “I love you, babe,” she slurred. Alex giggled and wrapped both lanky arms around her to pull her into his lap. 

Graham had left a while ago to meet up with a record executive at a nearby pub which confused Ell. He was never one to miss a night like this. In fact, he lived for nights like this. But he told everyone Steven set it up and he needed to be there. Business stuff apparently. Damon laid on the bed for a while with his eyes closed and a sly smirk plastered on his face. He had indulged maybe a bit too much and could barely speak. 

“Dames you ok?” Ell said form the corner. 

“All good. All good.” He saluted her and sat up. “I might head to bed.” Alex tutted at him with a scowl. 

“Oh come on. It’s only,” he looked at the clock, “two.” Damon stood from the bed and set his beer on the nightstand. He walked towards the door and blew them all a kiss. 

“I’ve got,” a loud hiccup and a giggle, “arrangements.” With a wink, he closed the door behind him and left them to themselves. In minutes, Alex invited some of his ‘friends’ around town to come up to their room for drinks. Ell continued to sit in her chair, eyes heavy with sleep, alcohol, drugs, whatever, and sipped on her whiskey. People filed in with unfamiliar faces and even more unfamiliar voices. Ell didn’t mind. She didn’t have to talk to anyone anyway, Alex was entertaining everyone. Emilia took Damon’s spot on the bed and began a lengthy conversation about music with a guy named Nikito.

Faintly, Ell could hear something from the adjacent room. If she remembered correctly, it was Damon’s room. He had specifically asked Steven for a single. ‘Please, Streety.’ She could hear him saying it now. The noise continued, on and on like a soft thump and a groan. Suddenly she knew exactly what he meant by arrangements. It must’ve been one of the girls he had been impressing after the show. Ell pressed her ear to the wall and felt like some perverted sicko but hey, if Damon was twisted enough to fuck someone right next door, she didn’t feel as bad. Through the walls, it sounded even stranger. A whimper, a moan, more thumping. She was surprised more people couldn’t hear it. Dave continued DJing, Emilia was deep in conversation, and Alex and Viv were making out on the floor. All Ell could hear were the noises next door, no matter how fuzzy the alcohol drug/sleep/combination made her. 

After ten minutes, the sounded faded and Ell pressed her ear to the wall again. Silence. He was probably making sure she got out without anyone seeing her. But maybe he wanted people to know he had just fucked someone’s brains out right under their noses. Either way, the whole concept made Ell’s skin burn with jealousy. She knew it was bad but without Graham there to distract her, Damon’s allure was even harder to ignore. 

Ell stood and managed to slip out of the room quietly. No one noticed. Did she dare knock on Damon’s door? But before she could, she didn’t have to. When she closed the door behind her, he was already in the hall looking at her with wide and skittish eyes. 

“Oh, hi. How long have you been out here?”

“Just a second.” She saw him fidget. “Why? Hiding something? Or someone?” Damon chuckled uneasily and paused. 

“Uh- she’s just left. Down that way, if you were wondering.” He pointed towards the stairwell and grinned.  
“Are you proud or something?”

“A bit.” Silence. “Was I that loud?”

“More like she was loud. You just provided the constant and annoying thumping.” Damon grinned and scratched his chin. “One of the girls from earlier then? Name?” She was grilling him now. 

“Someone is curious.”

“Name?” she repeated. 

“You’re drunk, Ell. It doesn’t matter anyway. I’ll never see her again.” Ell swayed slightly. He was right, she was way too drunk to be having this conversation. 

“Just give me her name, Damon.” 

“Leslie. There are you happy?” He blinked and waited, standing with his arms crossed. 

“Hmm cute name. She pretty?” 

“Gorgeous. Long hair, pretty face. Is this almost over then?” Ell studied Damon’s face slowly but found herself admiring it instead. Her mind went from Graham to Damon, again and again and she wished Graham were here to kiss her. Distract her. But distraction was far away in some random pub in Tokyo and her body had moved closer to Damon’s. How? She didn’t really know. One thing was for certain though. The closer she got, the harder it was to look away. All the same lines, shapes, slopes, and shadows she saw years ago. He was still the same. Immaculate and beautiful. Ell felt dizzy with nerves. She wanted to remain drunk so she could blame her thoughts on whiskey. Maybe she should go get her bottle. 

“Ell?” 

“Hmm?”

“I’m going to kiss you now.” 

He pressed himself against her, lips meeting first, followed by bodies. Ell could barely think. Damon’s lips were soft like a girl’s and his hands rough like a boy’s. He held her face softly, as if she would break if he touched her too carelessly. She felt his tongue graze her lips and then slip inside her mouth. He tasted like vodka and sweat. God he’d just slept with some random girl named Leslie and now Ell was tasting her. She didn’t mind it though. He pushed her against the wall of the hallway and kissed her tenderly before sucking on her jaw, her collarbone, and then, right on her neck. Ell wanted someone to walk out and see them. She wanted Graham to come out of the elevator and see his girlfriend and best mate going at it. She wanted him to feel like she felt a month ago in a dark front room. Tokyo was a city of pleasure and claustrophobia and Ell felt every fiber of her being come to life the second the plane touched the ground.

Damon sucked and kissed the soft skin of her neck and a strangled moan escaped her lips.   
“Fuck.” Ell heard him giggle and knew that he had her exactly where he wanted her. Again, she didn’t mind. In her fantasies, she had wanted this too. And just once would be enough. It would even the playing field between her and Graham. She pushed him out of her mind and grabbed the hair at the back of Damon’s head. He kissed the tender spot he’d been sucking on for the better part of a minute and then licked slowly, slowly, slowly up towards her mouth, joining their lips in a kiss again. 

“I’ve wanted this for so long,” he whispered into her mouth. 

“I want you.” It was all she could think to say. Alcohol had taken over completely now and Ell didn’t care about anything but Damon. She let her hands trail down his torso. 

“Wait wait wait.” Damon stopped her and brought her hand to his lips, kissing it. “Not now.” 

“Tease,” Ell whispered. He touched her face and frowned as if he felt guilty for doing so. “You feel bad," she said.

“No. I just wish you were sober.” She sighed and let her head fall to his chest. 

“You’re not sober either.” He nodded in agreement. 

“I know.” 

“What did we do?” Ell whispered sadly. He wrapped her in a hug. 

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have.”

“You didn’t want to?”

“God no. I’ve wanted to. Still do.” They stood there in silence for a while just hugging. Feeling Damon so close to her, the closest he had ever been to her, Ell tried her best to fill in every detail. His arms, his head on hers, the music from the hotel room, the smell of his shirt. She liked everything about the moment and knew that eventually, she would be sober and eventually she would feel guilty. But that was in the future and she wanted to stay here, in the present. Their kiss had felt so natural, like it was meant to happen. It was easy to figure out what Damon wanted, to anticipate his next move, where her hands needed to go, and when to take a breath. 

The hard thing was realizing that now she was just as bad as Graham.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait between chapters, I want to make sure I'm writing everything as best I can. I hope you haven't forgotten about the story or the plot! I really appreciate all the kudos and comments left on the fic! As always, let me know what you think and bookmark it if you like :^)

Beginning of May 1993

Sometimes things go unnoticed, untouched, unspoken. Sometimes they are better that way as to not hurt or disturb the peace that has been formed around them. It started innocently in Tokyo, in a hallway, both of them drunk and using that as an excuse to bury the guilt. But things come up from the woodwork and show their ugly face eventually. And eventually things start to go sideways, no matter how secretive one may become. 

Ell felt the heat of an unusually hot Swedish summer hit her skin when she stepped out from the hotel. Today was the first day of Blur and Cherry’s European tour for the summer. The release of Modern Life is Rubbish showered Blur with praises from a variety of music papers which had surprised everyone. Graham was over the moon and Damon only amplified his joy. Ell remembered the night of release and sitting in Steven Street’s posh apartment with them all, Damon jumping about excitedly. 

“Well? Pub?” Damon joined her outside, lighting up a cigarette absentmindedly. 

“It’s one o’clock, Dames.” 

He took a drag from the cig and blew the hot, smoky air away from her face. Polite. 

“That doesn’t mean anything.” When they arrived to whatever stuffy pub Damon insisted on going to, the others didn’t trail far behind. Alex and Dave stood outside to smoke, not caring about the sweat dripping down their backs. 

“Eh, three pints please,” Graham piped up from beside Ell. His hand had begun to shake, a sign that whatever alcohol he had when he woke up was wearing off and he needed to fill his veins with more. 

“For us yeah?” Ell questioned with a laugh. Damon sat silently on the other side of Ell, eyes dark and tired. When Graham looked up to her, it was evident that he had ordered all three for himself and he quickly began to backpedal. 

“Uh yeah of course.” He dropped his eyes again focusing on the wood grain of the counter. Ell almost felt angry. She didn’t know what had happened in the past couple days but something was wrong with him. As always. It seemed like moping Graham had become the norm on tour. He couldn’t even find it in himself to talk to her. Her mind rewound to their first year together. God she wished things were the same. 

“Three pints,” the bartender placed them all in front of Graham who bashfully laughed and slid two towards Damon and Ell. 

“Tack,” Graham responded and cradled his glass carefully. It was the only Swedish phrase he knew, meaning ‘Thank you’. It was all he really needed when he went to the pubs. Ell sighed.

“Oi.” Damon’s eyes shone blue, even under the dim lights of the bar. “Something’s wrong.”

“Obviously,” she shot back. 

“Don’t get angry at me.” Ell saw the hurt line the curve of his brow and shook her head. 

“Sorry, I don’t mean to.”

“Watch my drink? Gonna have a smoke.” Graham’s voice was barely audible over the hum of the street outside. Ell nodded at him with a smile which he returned halfheartedly before disappearing outside. 

“Hey.” Damon’s voice turned to a whisper. Ell found it funny considering Graham was now out of earshot. “I don’t know how to help him. I talked to him all of last night but it didn’t do anything.” He was being honest, a genuine look of confusion filling his angled face. Of course Ell knew he was, Graham was his best friend after all. It would be odd if he didn’t want to help him. The sounds of cars and bikes passing the pub outside felt miles away. All Ell could focus her attention on was Damon’s mouth. How his pink lips turned inward, the subtle wrinkles cutting into his cheek, one crooked tooth. 

“Ell.” She came back to reality and instantly felt a wave of nausea. She had to stop doing that. “You should really talk to him.”

“I’ve tried. He’s impossible.” Damon only nodded in response. Looking to the street, she saw Graham, Alex, and Dave standing in a circle talking. She wondered how they’d achieved it. 

“Ursäkta mig? Två öl tack.” Damon’s Swedish was much better than Graham’s.

-

A week later, the tour was in France. Ell swore to herself that she’d try to talk to Graham but every time she got the nerve to do it, he seemed to sneak away. She knew exactly what he was doing. Alex had ties with just about every drug dealer in Europe and would score baggies of coke practically for free. So when she saw Graham run off after him, the connection was crystal clear. She couldn’t blame him, they all indulged.

It was a Thursday in July. Clear sky, great temperature, breezy. Ell remembered every detail of that night. Blur had just finished their set and entered the green room with a glistening of sweat on their faces. Even Graham, who was usually prone to perspiration, shined with sweaty cheeks. 

Ell sat back on her chair and took another swig of whatever beer the venue had provided. It was cold for once. 

“That was brilliant!” Damon burst out with a grin and reached across the table for a beer. “Oi it’s cold.”

“It’s good,” Ell mused, taking another sip.   
“You didn’t even watch us play?” Graham frowned at the three of them who indeed had skipped out on watching. 

“It’s the same thing every night. Can you blame us?” Viv said with a dark laugh. 

“I watched a bit. The first couple songs,” Ell said it plainly, looking to Graham with an ‘i love you but she’s kind of right’ smile. Alex ruffled Graham’s hair who grimaced and thread his own fingers through it unhappily. He was always cuter when he was upset. 

“Come on, Gra. It’s alright. It does get boring after a while.” 

“You calling me boring?” Viv laughed. 

“If the shoe fits.” Alex sat down next to her and kissed her cheek with a bastard grin. Graham had named Alex’s different expressions, all of them dubbed grins. Shit-faced grin, bastard grin, arsehole grin, regular grin, horny grin. There were loads. Graham chuckled and took the seat next to Ell, kissing her before he sat. 

“Thanks anyway. You know I appreciate it.”

“Course, G.” Seeing him so happy was rare these days so she took what she could get and right now, she was getting it. “You seem happy,” she whispered, noticing the corners of his mouth twitch with a smile. 

“I am. We played fucking brilliant.” He reached forward and tapped the end of his cigarette into the ashtray, hands shaking. He caught her looking at them and laughed nervously to fill the silence. “Don’t be mad.” 

“I’m not mad.” Having him happy for once was really all Ell could ask for, especially when it had been nearly a week since a proper conversation. “Do you have any left?” Graham snapped his head towards her with a shocked look.   
“I thought you were quitting it.” 

“Don’t guilt trip me.” Looking at her, his eyes seemed to spark with surprise? Desire? Excitement? Ell couldn’t tell but the look was promising. She knew he’d share if he did have it. And although she did say she was trying to quit a couple days ago while hungover on the bus, she knew it was easier said than done, especially when Graham’s entire mood could be transformed with the stuff. 

“Not where Damon can see.” 

“Alex does it in front of him.”

“It’s different with him. He doesn’t like it.”

“I’ll never understand how he doesn’t like other people doing it when he’s done it himself.”

“Not anymore.” Graham paused. “Apparently.”

“Fine. Toilet in two.” Ell rolled her eyes at him with a grin and sat back in her chair. After a moment, Graham stood up and excused himself quietly, slipping out of the room and down the venue hallway. No one even noticed. Looking over the room, Ell could tell who was already high and who wasn’t. Alex and Viv of course were riding off a buzz from before the show. Some messy concoction of whatever he had been gifted from dealers and fans alike. They would no doubt continue into the night. Dave was drunk, his usual after-show hazy eyes drooping on the couch next to Viv. Emilia rarely touched drugs but was definitely on her way towards a buzz, hiccuping quietly next to Damon. Ell laughed to herself when she looked at him. Legs wide and grin present, she knew he didn’t indulge as much as the rest of them, said it made him anxious. Knowing him for as long as she did, Ell never would’ve put anxious and Damon in the same sentence. To her, he was invincible but as Graham had said, he was apparently quitting. Sure, she’d see how long that would last. 

Blue flashed up without warning. A warm smile and a nod were thrown her way. Ell grinned back, setting her now empty beer bottle on the table and standing up. 

“Where’s Gra?” Damon asked with a furrowed brow. Ell knew he was asking more than that. 

“That’s what I wanna know. Be right back.” Damon’s eye twitched before he nodded and took another swig from his bottle. Ell knew he was suspicious. Damon always was, especially when he didn’t know what Graham was doing, thinking, or feeling. She could see it bothered him when he couldn’t protect him. But that was something Damon would have to get used to. Graham was his own person after all. Ell could see the more he was fine on his own, the more annoyed Damon became.

Pushing the toilet door open, she saw Graham jump and then relax. 

“Fucking Christ, Ell.” 

“Sorry I should’ve knocked.” She looked at the counter and admired the delicate lines of white Graham had laid out for them. “Come on then,” she urged him. Graham chuckled. It didn’t take much convincing for him and in seconds, he snorted one of the lines cleanly, like a pro. 

“Oh it’s good,” he stammered. Ell giggled and bent down, taking her own line. The only difference was that she didn’t take it as smoothly as Graham had. She had always been jealous of him for that.

“Can we wait a bit for it to kick in and then fuck?” Ell grinned at Graham who leant up against the wall, rubbing his nose.

“Ok yea,” he said, laughing. They sat on the ground, kissing and giggling until ten minutes had passed and Graham pulled away. “Is yours kicking in?” 

“Almost.” Ell kissed him again and like clockwork, she felt a rush of energy come over her, nothing too powerful, but just enough to make her burst into laughter. “I love you.”

“Over the sink?” Graham stood and pulled Ell with him. After locking the door and undressing, Ell bent forward and waited as Graham rolled a condom onto himself. “Fucking shit,” he muttered.

“Need help?”

“No my head just fucking hurts all the sudden.” His face twisted into a grimace and he rubbed his temple. The sight of him standing there fully naked and incredibly erect made her giggle. But again, like clockwork, her head felt a similar throbbing pain. Ell could feel her heartbeat in her tongue. 

“Fuck!” she cursed. 

“I guess it’s not very good.”

“You got it from Alex, what did you expect?” Ell held her head in her hands as another wave of pain beat across her brain. “Sorry I don’t mean to be rude.” 

Graham looked at her with a frown. “Do you still want to-” 

“Yes. Yes.” Ell knew that when Graham was good, he’d be cooperative, loving, giving. But when he was distant, there wasn’t a chance he’d sleep with her, let alone talk to her. To anyone. As frustrating as it was, she didn’t know how else to show him she still loved him. Anything was better than nothing she supposed. 

“Good.” He stepped forward and thrust into her roughly, letting out a moan. Ell rested her head on the faucet and felt him fall into a steady rhythm. Thrust after thrust, she couldn’t feel pleasure like usual and felt let down, maybe even betrayed by whatever bootleg coke Alex had scored. Perhaps she’d hyped up high sex too much in her mind. 

“Do you wanna, erm, change positions?” Graham chuckled to himself.

“Yea sure.” Ell turned and sat on the sink, opening her legs and feeling Graham enter her once again. Like before, she felt it, but no pleasure. Graham wasn’t even grunting anymore. 

“This is shit,” he said plainly and pulled out with a sigh. 

“I’m quitting again,” Ell said. Graham looked at her longly, as if to say ‘we’ll see about that.’

“Oh are you?” He chuckled again, pulling on his jeans and buckling his belt. 

“I am. For real this time.” Ell felt like running a marathon, swearing off drugs and alcohol, moving somewhere and never touring ever again. Taking Graham with her. Maybe life didn’t have to be this complicated. Graham handed her her shirt with a smile. 

“I wish I could.” 

“You can. We can.” Ell shook her head and slipped on her shirt once again. “Graham.” He looked at her with a look she couldn’t describe. Like he wanted her to save him. Maybe it was the shitty coke in her system but she could see something in his eyes that was seldom there. A plea?

“I want to but-” 

“So why don’t we? Damon doesn’t-” 

“Damon’s a liar. He does coke every once in a while, you know that.” 

“But not everyday. Not like Alex or Viv. We don’t have to.” Ell leant up against the sink and looked Graham straight in the face. “Let’s make a pact.”

“Jesus,” Graham scoffed. “Ell-” 

“I know you hate shit like this but you know we should quit. So let’s do it together.” Graham’s face flashed with an array of emotions before it fell into agreement. He nodded silently and fished the baggie from his pocket. 

“Ok.” With that, he tossed it into the toilet and flushed it. 

 

Things were actually ok for a while. Both Graham and Ell had stuck to their word, even when Alex pressured them. But just as she’d expected, Ell saw Graham slip back into himself, shutting nearly everything out and only showing emotion while onstage. Damon’s demeanor began to change with Graham’s. He matched him by turning quiet when he would normally be energetic and talkative. Ell began to hate everything. She was fine without drugs but over the weeks, she saw that without it, Graham was just a miserable bastard. She wanted to scream. Everything she tried failed. She tried showing him gentle affection. Nothing. She tried being quiet too. No reaction. She even tried cozying up to Damon more. Maybe he needed to feel jealousy for once. Still nothing. The only thing Ell could do was sit in her anger. Of course the only person who noticed was Damon. 

“Smoke?” He had found her sitting outside alone. Secretly she was happy he had. 

“Thanks.” She took the cig from his fingers and let him light the cherry. Looking at Damon made her actually feel something for once. After the last few weeks of silence, anger, crying, Ell was happy to know she could still feel anything at all. “You look good, Dames.” 

“You look beautiful.” He shot back quicker than she expected. She laughed. “As always,” he added. They sat in silence for a minute just enjoying the chilly night air touch their face. Damon’s quiet company was something Ell never took for granted. She suddenly felt like crying. 

“What do we do?” She blew smoke into the air and watched it twirl and fade into the dark. 

“He’s cheating again.” 

“I know.”

“Jesus, Ell. I don’t understand you.” She looked at him and was met with a disapproving face. The classic Damon brow knit. “He doesn’t deserve you.”

“If I break up with him, it’ll only make him worse.”

“That’s not your fault.”

“I can’t. You know it’s a bad idea.” Damon fell silent, a sign that he knew she was right. 

“But it’s not fair to you. He’s being a cunt.”

“Yeah well that’s just what it is these days.” Ell sighed, trying to end the conversation that would go nowhere. She looked over at Damon who was busy looking down at his feet. For someone so confident, he looked more defeated than ever. The slope of his nose was covered in shadow, his high cheekbones the only thing catching the light of the street lamp above them. Ell thought back to the hallway in Tokyo and felt her heart sink. If anyone deserved to be in a relationship, it was Damon. There was no doubt about that. She felt bad for him, he had no time to pursue anyone other than groupies on the road and most times, they made things worse. Countless nights, she’d seen Damon escorting some girl off the bus with a smile only to finally turn away and look like the life had just been sucked out of him. Just as he wanted to protect Graham, Ell wanted to protect him. 

“You deserve someone.” The statement came out more awkward than she hoped. She touched Damon’s leg and attempted a sympathetic smile. 

“What’s that got to do with Graham?” His face was blank.

“Nothing. I was just thinking about it.” Damon let out a sigh.

“Mmmm.” It was all he said.

-

September came in a rush and all of a sudden, they had just one show left. The feeling of relief and happiness was palpable within the group, everyone getting excited for one final bang. 

“Shut up, Alex,” Damon laughed loudly as they walked through the cold venue hallways. They could be anywhere; Rome, Greece, Poland, Scotland. After a certain point, things started to blur together and every venue seemed the same. 

“I’m just saying a song called Clover Over Dover sounds stupid.” 

“And a song called Oily Water doesn’t? It’s just a name you know.” Damon turned and walked backwards in front of the group, smiling from ear to ear. “Plus, Streety loves the stuff I’ve shown him so far.” Graham laughed from the back of the group.

“What’s that, Graham?” Emilia prodded with a grin. He shook his head. 

“Nothing.” 

“Come on then,” Damon urged, his face suddenly defensive. “Let’s hear it.”

“Would be nice if you bothered showing us first.” Graham stared straight at Damon, eyes piercing. 

“Sorry, Gra. I didn’t think you cared.” Damon looked at Ell and then back at Graham, laughing. “Not like you’ve bothered talking to me. Or anyone.” Sensing the tension in the air, Alex cut in. 

“Alright alright, let’s calm down with the dramatics for one night. Can you two do that?” For once Alex was the one with a level head. Ell bit back a laugh. 

“Course,” Damon smiled. It was evident his ego couldn’t be knocked by one comment. 

“Sure,” Graham said. Ell took his hand. It was cold as ice. He looked at her wearing one of the most uninterested grins. Sadly she was used to it. “Sorry,” he muttered. 

“Just try to enjoy tonight?”

“Yeah.” 

Hours later, they all piled into the large green room, buzzed, sweaty, and happy. Even Graham seemed a bit better. Ell laid on one of the couches and closed her eyes. The last night of the Modern Life is Rubbish tour seemed unreal. She had always thought it ages away when they first started but now, things were done. They’d drive back to London tomorrow morning and return to writing, school, normalcy. Or at least the normalcy they could manage. Emilia, Dave, and Alex all squeezed onto a couch, giggling. Ell felt a happiness for her friends that came in waves. Looking at all of them, she couldn’t imagine life without them now. The three years they had together held enough memories to fill a book. No, a couple books probably. She laughed as Graham popped open a bottle of wine across the room, spilling it everywhere. 

“Fuck sake!” He said laughing. 

“Bring it over here.” Alex motioned for him to sit with them but before he could sit next to Ell, Damon had slid himself onto the sofa, pulling her legs over him like a blanket. 

“Lovely,” Graham mused drunkenly at him. “Not like that’s my girlfriend or anything.”

“Jealous for once?” Ell scoffed and looked at Damon with wide eyes. 

“That’s a first,” Damon grinned and watched Graham sit in a vacant chair. 

“Fuck off?” He grimaced at them and began pouring glasses carefully, concentrating hard as to avoid spilling again. An hour later, another bottle of wine was being poured, but this time they were all crammed into Blur’s tour bus. Someone had turned on a Bowie album, a musician they all semi agreed on. Dave had excused himself silently, having jokes thrown his way by Alex and Emilia. Apparently some groupie from France had followed them here just to see him. Ell felt herself growing tired as she gulped down a water bottle. 

“You know that doesn’t actually help hangovers, Ell,” Alex slurred.

“Maybe you should test the theory?” She smirked at him and Viv who were completely hammered. Ell sat on one side of the tour bus alone, Graham having left just minutes after pouring the first bottle of wine. In typical Graham fashion, he hadn’t told anyone where he was going. Ell had a hunch. 

“Can I sit?” Damon had emerged from the toilet and plopped himself next to her. “I can’t believe him.” 

“Just don’t yell at him.”

“Stop defending him.” Damon looked thoroughly pissed off now. He’d spent the last hour and a half grumbling to himself and downing whole glasses of wine. 

“Please stop drinking, Damon.” 

“Why?”

“Because you’ll only get more angry at him. And you’ll feel horrible tomorrow.” When he looked towards her, Ell saw tears subtly lining his lower lids. Damon clenched his jaw, holding back whatever he was about to say.

Before she could plead with him again, Graham burst through the door, catching himself before he fell. He saw them all look at him. 

“Sorry,” he whispered, giggling. 

“Can I talk to you?” Damon stood up and walked straight to the back of the bus where he no doubt would find privacy. At the back of the bus was the master bedroom of sorts, a place to get away from the noise of the main section.

“Ooooo someone’s in trouble,” Alex laughed along with Viv and Emilia who was still hiccuping. Graham slowly followed Damon and closed the door behind them with a thud. 

“Someone’s gotta spy.”

“Alex no,” Emilia said. “That’s horrible.” Alex just stuck his tongue out and continued drinking god knows what from his cup. Not long after, Ell’s curiosity got the better of her and she excused herself to use the toilet which she had no intention of using. As soon as she walked down the hall of the bus, the music and chatter faded. She passed the bathroom and stood just outside the master bedroom, listening intently. Their muffled and drunk voices were just loud enough to hear.

“Don’t start that, Gra.”

“Why am I always in trouble with you? I’m not a fucking kid. I can do what I want.”

“Look at you. You’re a joke.” 

“What have I done then?”

“You know exactly what you’re doing. Don’t think I don’t know.”

“Oh sorry I forgot you know everything don’t you? Damon Albarn knows everything.”

“I know what’s going on, Graham. Come on we’ve known each other for how many years now? You’re not as mysterious as you think.”

“What then?”

“For fuck’s sake, break up with her. She doesn’t deserve this.”

“I’m not breaking up with her. I love her.”

“That’s a weird way to show love, Gra. Off fucking some other girl? That makes sense.”

“You’re one to talk about cheating.”

There was a deafening pause in the conversation and Ell almost ran for the bathroom, fearing one of them would come out and catch her. 

“Don’t make it about that. It’s not about that and you know it. It’s about you and Ell.”

“Why are you so obsessed with MY relationship with MY girlfriend? Can’t land a girl of your own? That’s your problem, Dames.” 

Another pause.

“I didn’t mean that.” 

“You don’t deserve her.” Damon’s voice was cold. 

“What like you do? You want her?”

“Unlike you, I actually care about her. She’s,” he hesitated, “my best friend.”

“I thought I was your best friend.”

“You make it difficult to be friends with you.”

“You don’t even care do you?”

“What’s that mean?”

“You have no idea what’s going on. You don’t even ask. You don’t care.”

“I’ve tried talking to you, Graham. You know I’ve tried. But you never say anything.”

“Maybe you should just know.”

“Maybe you should grow up. I like Ell. She’s good. She deserves someone who loves her. And you continue to cheat on her again and again.” 

“Jesus you sound like you love her.”

“Cut it out.”

Pause.

“You know she knows about the cheating? Yeah.”

“You promised you wouldn’t tell her!” Graham’s voice went up an octave, he sounded desperate.

“That was the first time. But it’s been happening over and over. She deserves to know.”

“Did you leave out who I cheated with?”

Pause. 

“Why would I tell her who you’re sleeping with?”

“Maybe you should tell her. She wouldn’t like it very much. She wouldn’t like you as much.”

“I told you it’s not about that. You know that.” Damon’s voice became stern. 

“You’re not such a good guy you know. Stop acting like it. You look stupid.”

“Grow up or break up with her. She clearly won’t break up with you.” Suddenly, Ell heard the sound of sobs. 

“I don’t know what to do. I love her so much. I don’t know what I want.” Ell could only imagine him hugging Damon as he drunkenly cried.

“I’m not ok. Like in my head. I have these thoughts, Dames-” 

“If you love her, show it. And if you can’t, break up. It’s pretty simple.” There was one final pause before Damon spoke again. “Get off.” She heard scuffling and then footsteps approaching the door. Improvising, she slipped into the bathroom and quickly shut the door behind her. Damon passed through the hallway and back towards the sitting area. Ell wanted nothing more than to be alone. Not just locked in a tour bus toilet, but truly alone for a while, away from everyone and everything. Her head hurt.

She sat on the toilet and stared at the wall. Suddenly she was overwhelmed and drained simultaneously. How could she care so deeply for someone who was hurting her? Why did she feel torn in two directions? She wanted to help Graham so desperately but felt utterly useless. She felt sorry for herself, for Graham, even for Damon who had managed to wedge himself into the problem. Ell felt anger course through her body but just as deeply, she felt sadness. The entire situation seemed like a lost cause. As she expected, she began crying silently. She imagined Graham might be as well.


End file.
